Talk To The Hand, Girl Friend!

Can someone, anyone, please tell Sarah that it's perfectly acceptable to take notes -- written on something aside from one's hand -- to the podium to use while making a speech?

A piece of paper. A napkin. The back of the agenda for the event. Anything. But not your hand! Doesn't she know that writing on one's own skin can lead to blood poisoning? (My mother swears that it does.) And, my goodness, writing on your own hand is so 7th grade.

Take a closer look. One of her topics has been crossed out. I wonder: did she do that while speaking?

My mind wanders...

Covered that, she thinks while crossing out note. Let's move on to...(squinting at the fourth notation, can't quite read her own writing) ...Lil' Abner? Does that actually say 'Lil' Abner'? What did I have to say about Lil' Abner? What do I know about Lil' Abner? I like comics, but these Tea Party folks don't seem to be in such a humorous mood. You think they even have a sense of humor? Maybe instead I should go back to the top of the list and talk energy. But let's get real, girl friend, what do I know about energy?

And she thinks using a teleprompter is bad form? Someone give her a clue. Please.

Good thing her speech wasn't about foreign policy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would take the entire palm and, with that the only note to use, the speech would be very brief. Or, far worse, what if the speech was about capitals of the world? She'd need the entire arm and more for that. A scary thought.

A scarier thought? That after all we've seen and heard, a majority of the voters of this country would still consider her President-worthy. Certainly the Republicans can find another pro-life, pro-war, anti-gay marriage, xenophobic beauty queen who writes notes on paper to compete for the land's highest office. Maybe with an understanding of world affairs? They're out there, no? (Hey, I'm just saying.)

Sorry, Sarah. This one was just way too easy. And, of course, way too hard to ignore. (I do like your glasses.)

Speaking of the power of a championship team to elevate the mood -- at least momentarily -- of an entire region, we here at The Job of Work (TJW as it's known in the Wall Street Journal) point you to the citzenry of the amazing city of New Orleans. A city ignored by its own federal government in its time of greatest need. A city in which its 9th Ward still lays largely in ruins, 4+ years after Katrina. A city with much of its population still dispersed across the country. A city that has supported its football team through thin and, recently, thick. A city that needed something -- anything -- to hasten its emotional recovery.

Now they've got it. Their beloved Saints, a mere football team, has given them something they haven't had in some time: Hope and pride. Their team won a Super Bowl. Scoff if you'd like. But don't overlook the impact of the accomplishment on those who have supported this team for years. And who needed a reason to believe.

While I know that some would say that sports is a hallow, shallow endeavor, I counter by saying that anything that provides hope and pride is worth its weight in gold. Or, in this case, beignets.

I only hope that George W. isn't waiting by the phone for a call to serve as Grand Marshall for their Super Bowl parade. You blew that one, Dude. And the parade has already happened. (But, hey, thanks for reading TJW. It's much appreciated.)

Happy Presidents' Day. See you next week from Costa Rica.

Broken Promises

Unlike the George Clooney character in Up In The Air, I have no burning need to amass 10 million frequent flyer miles. From time to time, however, I am interested in exchanging my hard-earned miles for free flights. After all, that's the promise the airlines make with us, right? We fly on their planes and in exchange for our 'loyalty' they 'reward' us with free flights. The more we fly, the more we can fly free.

Not only that, but the more we fly, and as we move up the frequent flyer ranks, the more niceties the airlines provide. Fly a boat-load of miles on one airline and they'll likely provide a shorter line through security, earlier boarding -- sometimes on special carpeting! -- the possibility of upgrades, and even a 'private' customer service phone number with agents who actually refer to you by name. Not to mention the elegant frequent flyer ID card you're awarded and, often, cool luggage tags! (Anyone need 10 sets of luggage tags?) Southwest even sends a birthday card each year. Spend a fortune on an airline and you'll feel the love.

All in all, a sweet deal.

Until that times arrives -- and surely it will -- when you have the audacity, the impetuosity, the completely irrational desire to do the unthinkable. You know of what I speak. Yes, that moment when you want to cash in some of those miles for a free flight.

That's when the wheels come off. In a big way.

Studies have documented the level of stress humans experience during key life cycle events. I am not aware, however, of any studies that have quantified and ranked the level of frustration we commonly endure while attempting to deal with customer service representatives by industry. My guess is that on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 = No Frustration Whatsoever and 10 = I'm Thinking of Killing This Idiot, attempting to exchange frequent flyer miles for a free trip is, thank you This Is Spinal Tap, an 11.

The experience I've had over the last couple of years is so very consistent -- regardless of airline -- that it suggests, at least to me, that the nice people who serve as customer service reps receive special and identical training throughout the industry on how to deal with requests for free travel. If so, I think the training would look something like this.

Trainer

Welcome back from lunch. This afternoon, we'll turn our attention to requests for free travel. This is a very important component of your training. As travelers amass hundreds of millions of frequent flyer miles, our customers will be increasingly interested in exchanging those miles for free travel. It's your job to provide wonderful service and, simultaneously, do everything possible to avoid saying 'Yes'. I mean, really. How can your airline afford to give away so many free trips? [Laughter. Nodding of heads throughout the room.]

Let's see how this works. Please open your binder to Section 3: Never Say 'No' -- But Never, Ever Say 'Yes'! Please read scenario 1. [Pause.] Good. Now let's practice.

You've just received a call from a Super Duper Supreme Elite Flyer, your airline's highest frequent flyer level. The individual would like 2 Business Class seats from San Francisco to London. I'll play the role of the flyer. Who would like to take her call? Great. Let's begin.

Customer Service Rep

Thank you for calling. How can I help you today, Ms. Bloomenstein?

Trainer

I'd like to use some of my frequent flier miles to book 2 Business Class seats from SFO to London Heathrow. I'd like to depart of May 2 and return on May 10.

Customer Service Rep

[Sounds of a keyboard.] On those dates, because of the short length of time before the flights, because the trip is less than 30 days in duration and because you'll be flying near a national holiday and over a nation monument, each seat will require 125,000 miles. Yes, you have more than enough miles for these flights. Now let me check availability on the May 2 outbound flight. [Pause. More sounds of keyboard.] Hmm. [Another pause.] Unfortunately, I don't see any available seats on that flight.

Trainer

That flight is not for 11 months. And it's 125,000 miles? For each seat? For flying over a national monument? You've got to be kidding. But you say that there are no Business Class seats available? What about later that day?

Customer Service Rep

[More keyboard tapping.] Let me check. [Pause. Keyboard tapping.] Actually, there are no seats of any kind available for free travel on that day.

Trainer

Nothing? You have 3 flights on that day and there's nothing on any flight? Not even in Coach?

Customer Service Rep

[Keyboard tapping.] Very sorry, but no. There's nothing available.

Trainer

[Dejectedly.] Can you please check the return?

Customer Service Rep

Absolutely! [Pause. Tapping.] I'm so sorry, but there's nothing available on those flights either. Nothing in Business and nothing in Coach.

Trainer

Nothing? Nothing at all on either day? But I must be in London on May 5 for a very important family event.

Customer Service Rep

Let me see what I can do, Ms. Bloomenstein. Can I put you on hold for a moment?

Trainer

[To student.] A very nice touch! Hitting your keyboard at random gives the impression that you're actually looking at seat availability on your monitor. And putting someone on hold usually makes someone believe that you're doing something so involved that you need complete concentration or even the help of one of your colleagues. Like that would happen! [Laughter.] Very nicely done. By the way, have you taken this class before? Regardless, you're a natural.

Okay, let's get back to it.

Customer Service Rep

Thank you for holding, Ms. Bloomenstein. I think we're in luck. We can put you on a May 3 flight from San Francisco to Salt Lake City, where you'll have an easy 2-hour layover, then a connection to Chicago, a stopover in Frankfurt and a non-stop from there to London Gatwick, arriving on the morning of May 5. For the return, we have you departing London Heathrow on the afternoon of May 5, flying to Orlando, a stopover and a 3-hour layover in Dallas , and then connecting to a flight to San Jose, California. Unfortunately, there's only 1 seat on the Dallas - San Jose flight. [Triumphantly.] Shall I book this for you?

Trainer

[Exasperated.] That's the best you can do? You realize, of course, that I'd arrive in London on May 5 in the morning and leave the same day? Do you also realize that you have me departing from San Francisco and returning to San Jose? Those two airports are 30 miles apart. And, you say that there's only 1 seat on the return flight from Dallas? How is this all supposed to work?

Customer Service Rep

Did I mention that the outbound flight to Salt Lake City is in Business Class? One seat, anyway. Amazing that we could get that!

Trainer

This is ridiculous. After all of the flights I've taken on this airline. Okay. [With resignation.] Are there any alternatives?

Customer Service Rep

Well, Ms. Bloomenstein, we do have Business Class seats available on your travel dates for purchase. By booking these seats now, you'd receive 10,000 frequent flyer miles, plus a 5,000 bonus for flying Business, plus a 2,500 bonus because of your elite status with us. That's per seat. And if you use our airline's credit card, you'd receive an additional 10,000 bonus miles. Together, that's 45,000 miles, Ms. Bloomenstein! Which is nearly enough for a free flight anywhere in the continental United States. In Coach, of course, and black-out dates do apply. [Enthusiastically.] Shall I book the flights for you?

Trainer

[To Student.] Simply marvelous! You never said 'No'. You gave the customer a choice that she turned down. And, brilliantly, you brought her full-circle, eventually selling her the two seats she originally wanted for free! She remains a devoted customer and you've added to your sales quota. Very, very nicely done.

Customer Service Rep

Thank you. But I forgot to ask her if she'd participate in our Customer Service Survey.

Trainer

True. Don't worry. Perfection comes with time and practice. Now let's turn to Section 4: Pretending to Be the Supervisor (When an Irate Customer Asks to Talk to One)...

Killer Openings

We lost another great one this week with the passing of J.D. Salinger. While we hadn't heard from him in decades, and most likely thought he had died years ago, The Catcher in the Rye was, possibly, the most important novel many of us would read growing up. (Yes, Mr. Iverson, that includes Wuthering Heights. Especially Wuthering Heights.) Just take a look at the first sentence:

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

Is there a better opening sentence to a novel? Even if you overlook the use of the word 'crap' -- something very few of us junior high school boys could -- you've got a sentence that nailed it. It was like something we might have said, if only we could use the English language that well in 8th or 9th grade. (We certainly could use 'crap' in all of its forms with dexterity and eloquence.) For most of us, it was the one novel assigned in school that we actually read -- not because we had to -- but because Holden Caulfield seemed like one of us and had something important to say. To us.

Thanks, J.D. From us all.

While we're on the topic, is there a better opening sentence to a novel? Okay, that book with 'In the beginning...' as its first sentence is a grabber. Moby Dick's 'Call me Ishmael.' is noteworthy, but, frankly, not terribly exciting. Better than both, though, is the magnificent first sentence from A Tale of Two Cities:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Brilliant. And the book only got better from there. Pick it up again. You'll be taken by the scathing political observations, the humor (yes, laugh-out-loud humor), the terrific story and Dickens' ability to capture the ethos of a desperate time. I think you'll find that the second reading is far better than the first -- especially if the first was during junior or senior high.

Even so, here's my absolute all-time favorite novel opener:

It was love at first sight.

The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him.

Yes, I know that was two sentences and two paragraphs actually, but, hey, it's my game. Know the novel from which they come? Of course you do. Another book worthy of a second or third reading, to be sure.

Speaking of great places to work (sorry for the neck-straining segue), Fortune this week released its list of the top 100 organizations in which to work. Methodology used to select these companies aside -- the company must be at least 7 years old, have at least 1,000 employees, have applied to be considered and have scored in the top 100 of the 343 applicants -- there's much to be gleaned from the efforts these organizations make to create desirable and productive work places.

(And, no, The Schnur Consulting Group did not make the list. After all, would we want to be a member of a club that would have us as a member? I think not. Besides, we're a tad short of the 1,000 employees required. Maybe next year.)

So what can be gleaned by perusing the top 100 list? About the same things as our research revealed on what attracts top talent to an organization and helps retain them for a significant period of time. Namely:

• A strong sense of 'community' is important to many -- and pays off in sustained, long-term profitability

• A shared purpose -- better yet, a cause -- helps drive performance beyond what people might otherwise produce at work

• Leadership of high credibility, actively in touch with their people and willing to sacrifice for them, creates value

• An on-going investment in employees (e.g., training, development) improves performance and is highly attractive, especially to those newer to the world of work

• A relentless focus on customers -- indeed, putting the customer first -- clarifies priorities and can be a catalyst for streamlining processes

• Being treated as a responsible adult (e.g., more concern for productivity than for standard work hours) differentiates top performing companies from all others

• Good pay. While not a motivator, pay must be considered competitive.

• Benefits that promote a healthy lifestyle (e.g., on-site food services, incentives for fitness, subsidies for day care, sabbaticals, etc.) help to support a company's values -- especially those that say, in not so many words, 'We need you healthy and secure.'

Our research indicates that when these attributes are combined, the cost of attracting top talent is significantly lower, as is their turnover rate. Not surprisingly, companies considered to achieve the above qualities typically outperform their competition, deliver superior returns to shareholders, and, importantly, are able to sustain profitable growth. The companies with the above attributes get it: Top talent in a supportive, flexible, customer-centric environment drives value creation.

An intuitive conclusion. One, though, that's a bit more difficult to execute. (Ah, but that's why we're here.) And there's never been a better time to transform your organization's culture into one that is attractive and conducive to top talent. We're talking about a process that produces tangible results, including, among others: productivity gains, elevated service quality, process improvement, and faster time-to-market. Performance gains most companies desperately need right now.

And that, I assure you, is not some David Copperfield kind of crap. (Sorry. I couldn't resist.)

18 Months

Congratulations! You've just been hired to head a company as its CEO or become the executive of a major division or subsidiary. You've been selected to lead the company or division because the business is under-performing or, worse, is in trouble. Competition abounds. The Board of Directors is impatient. Your hiring is a bold move and trumpets -- to the investment community, the market, internal leadership and employees alike -- that winning is a priority, that compromise is passe, and that hope for the future is bright.

Your job: Turn the business around. Fast.

Indeed, while no one says so explicitly, the clock has already started. And even while the communication regarding your appointment suggests that "This reflects our long-term commitment to our shareholders and key stakeholders" and, "This is a very large ship that will take time -- and all of us working together -- to turn around", a diverse set of constituents has begun a timer. A timer that does not count infinitely, but, instead, only to 18. As in months.

Because, regardless of the beautiful steed you rode in on, you've got only about 18 months to effect change.

Think this unfair? Do you think to yourself that it took years for the company or division to have developed these problems; years to have fallen behind in technology, production capabilities, employee development; years to have failed to develop adequate leaders and sufficient bench strength; years to have devolved an elegant organization structure into something that resembles the scribbling of a toddler; years to have destroyed the culture that attracted top talent, supported high-performing teams and accelerated growth; years to have tarnished our once proud and dominant brand?

All true. Even so, you still have only about 18 months to turn things around. Nobody said life was fair. Fun, yes. Fair, no.

Before we get ahead of ourselves, let's take a brief timeout. (Not to worry. This will only be a 30-second timeout.) We need a moment to grapple with something important, namely:

What's the deal with new leaders only having 18 months to make change?

Good question. Not terribly surprising, our work, supported by just about every study on the topic, suggests that individuals brought in to fix problems have between 12 - 18 months before patience for change wears thin. This is regardless of the magnitude of the problems inherited. It turns out that while we as humans will tolerate long, slow, painful declines, we have a short fuse when it comes to fixes. Think of weight gain. (Okay, don't. But it is a good example.) We'll tolerate a slow and steady expansion of the waist. But when we're finally ready to act, the damn diet and work out regimen better work and fast! If they don't, we'll try something else. And then something else yet again.

The same holds true for leadership. A year, for most of us, is a fair amount of time to allow you, our new leader, to develop and implement plans to make appropriate change. And, hey, given vacations and summer, we'll let that 1-year deadline slide a bit. Generous of us, no? But if we haven't seen a new direction and, critically, results in 18 months, we may have to start looking for someone who can get the job done.

We are, indeed, an incredibly impatient animal.

Time in. Back to the action.

With widespread support and great fanfare, you've been selected to fix huge problems that have taken years to develop. And despite the contract you signed, specifying salary and years, you should know that a clock is ticking. A peculiar clock it is, too, as the ticking grows increasingly loud as it approaches and passes the 1-year mark.

Sound familiar? It should. Because we're witnessing a stunning example of this dynamic right before our eyes. President Obama has been in office only several days beyond a year and is already dealing with the impatience of the American people. Fixed the economy yet? Delivered health care reform? Guantanamo closed as you said it would be? Oh, and what about those two wars we're fighting? Dude, what have you been up to?

The defining moment -- regardless of its direct relevance -- was the Republican victory in the Massachusetts race for the Senate seat vacated by Ted Kennedy. The immediate outcome, of course, was 3-fold:

• Elimination of the 60-40 Democrat-Republican split in the Senate that prevented Republican filibustering and ensured the passage of any bill supported by the Democrats

• Wind in the sails of the Republicans, who could now, for the first time in months, claim victory for something they did (rather that something they prevented), and

• A backing off of the health care reform debate by the Democrats.

In the midst of this, could you hear the ever-increasing volume of that 18-month clock? Tick tock, indeed.

Too bad Obama didn't think to call us. Had he, we would have told him the same thing we tell all new executives hired to make substantive change:

1. Define a vision for the enterprise
   
2. Clearly articulate 'success', identifying a short list of accomplishments that must be achieved in the next 12-18 months.
   
3. Create a leadership team that you trust, that will achieve the vision, and that will operate in your style.
   
4. Identify individuals who can support the leadership team and who will operate in your style. (You'll need them for special projects and key leadership roles.)
   
5. Invite others in the organization to join you in your quest. Accept those who can perform to your standards and who will operate in your style. Ask all others to seek work elsewhere.
6. Outline a plan to achieve the short list of accomplishments that you established.
7. Measure your progress monthly during your first 18 months. Quarterly thereafter.

And we could have showed him how to do this.

President Obama, enough with the compromise. Enough with your penchant for 'reaching across the aisle'. Enough with your inclusiveness-to-a-fault style. (I mean, really. You invited, of all people, George W. to help with Haiti? Isn't he the guy who didn't seem all that interested in saving his own people after Katrina?) It's time to get tough with your own party. What have they been doing with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that 60 votes in the Senate affords?

You're the President. You've got the big stick. It's time to use it.

Tick tock. Tick TOCK. TICK TOCK.

Bad Assumptions

We're entering only the 3rd week of the new year and it's fair to say that we're not off to a great start. The incomprehensible devastation that is Haiti tops the list. If you haven't already done so, please consider donating anything you can to Doctors Without Borders, Oxfam, or any organization you think might get supplies and services to Haiti quickly. Even easier, text 'Haiti' to 90999 from your cell phone to make an automatic $10 donation to the Red Cross. Text often. Please.

This is when we, as a citizenry, shine. We're often good at opening our hearts and wallets when people near us are undone by nature. And make no mistake about it: Haiti has been undone. As a result, opportunities to contribute abound. Organizations are coming forward -- including, among many others, the National Football League -- to donate help to these people who are in desperate need. Even many of the television networks are coming together Friday evening to raise money for Haiti.

Yet, in the midst of the rush to provide whatever assistance we can, there's the other Rush who, in yet another amazingly insensitive, ignorant, inhumane and, what?, brutish display urged his listeners not to help Haiti in any way. Is this the lack of drugs talking (detox is a bitch, right Rush?) or was the man dropped on his head two or three times too often as a child? Regardless, Rush Limbaugh's actions are a reminder that evolution is a slow and painful process.

And then there's Pat Robertson's assertion that Haiti's plight was sealed years ago as a result of a 'pact with the devil'. The 'curse', according to Pat, is a 'true story'. While another wonderful example of buffoonery in all of its splendor, at least Pat made this claim while seeking to raise relief money for Haiti. At least that.

Please join me in proving that humanity trumps ignorance. Choose to help rather than to judge or scorn. Send whatever cash you can. You'll feel good while helping others.

Speaking of galling ignorance -- one of our favorite topics -- it's time to introduce Bad Assumptions, the game where things sound right, until you see that something's wrong. Often terribly wrong. Watch and you'll see.

Let's start easy. NBC. Can we assume that the leadership of this once-great television network has the first clue about how to reinvent itself? If we do, it's a bad assumption.

Leno at 10? Leno now at 11:30? Conan gone? The brunt of jokes from far and wide?

First of all, like anyone cares.

Secondly, what were they thinking in the first place?

A horrendously bad assumption.

Last week, Mark McGwire, in what looked to be a bold and soul-cleansing move, announced to the world what most baseball fans long-suspected: That he had indulged regularly in performance-enhancing drugs during many of his ball playing years. Not only that, but Mark admitted juicing during the year when he broke Roger Maris's single-season home run record. (Was their a soul on Earth who was surprised? I think not.) On a positive note, he did do an honorable thing by calling the widow of Roger Maris to apologize. But, can we assume Mark came clean, so to speak? For even in his admission, Mark rejected the notion that the performance-enhancing drugs he took actually enhanced his performance! Instead, he gave credit repeatedly to 'the man upstairs' for giving him homerun-hitting gifts. (Did his drug source live above him?) Mark, the drugs may not have enhanced your eye-hand coordination. But, dude, the drugs undoubtedly made you stronger and, in the process, helped balls you hit travel farther than they would have under normal circumstances. Good try, Mark. But it's a bad assumption to believe you truly came clean.

Given all of the talk about steriods in the game, many assume that major league baseball (read: the Commissioner, the owners) actually cares about running a clean league. That would be a bad assumption. Bud Selig -- who has the street sense of someone who has no clue about reality -- now believes that baseball has accomplished its mission of ridding the league of performance-enhancing drugs. Keep in mind that our beloved Bud was one of many baseball team owners who reaped the rewards of stadia filled because of juiced ball players. Hard to tell what he really thinks (the photo here likely gives us a strong hint), but it would be a bad assumption to believe he's sufficiently concerned about the integrity of the game -- and the health of the players -- to do anything substantive about it. There's simply too much money in home runs.

And then there's Fox News. As we wrote in August of last year ("Walter, We Need You More Than Ever"), the vast number of people who watch Fox News believe they're receiving actual news. After all, the channel is called Fox News. But it's a bad assumption to believe that the network provides the news. Need proof? Just last week Fox News announced that none other than Sarah Palin will join their team. Sarah Palin, News Commentator. 'nuff said?

Yet despite the abundance of bad assumptions we can make as 2010 begins, let's take a moment to remember the passion and intelligence that was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., whose birthday we honor this week. A remarkable man during a remarkable era in this country's history. Arguably one of the most influential people in the 20th century. We have a great deal to thank him for. And like most who seek change in the face of undaunting challenge, we can only wonder how things would be different had he lived to reach old age.

Happy Birthday, Dr. King! We remember. We'll always remember.

Cal Should Learn From Jack

Jack Welch was right about a lot of things. It was Jack who said:

If you don't have a competitive advantage don't compete.

And:

The team with the best players wins.

He was also clear about adaptability:

An organization's ability to learn, and translate that learning into action rapidly, is the ultimate competitive advantage.

Lastly, at least for now, Jack was steadfast about winning. His mantra while at GE was that 'success' could be defined as being the #1 or #2 player in your market. Anything else was failure. Businesses Jack ran that failed to become and remain the #1 or #2 player in their market were either sold or disbanded.

A great teacher, a believer in the power of people, an inspiring leader.

Too bad my alma mater hasn't learned a thing from him.

The University of California at Berkeley is, arguably, one of the top 5 public universities in the United States. U.S. News & World Report last year proclaimed Cal the top public university in the country. Its Graduate School Survey stated that Berkeley was the only university to achieve top 5 rankings in all of the Ph.D. disciplines included in the study.

The faculty, researchers and alumni account for 65 Nobel Laureates. Teams led at Berkeley by Glenn T. Seaborg (Ph.D., Berkeley, 1937) have discovered, at last count, 12 chemical elements, including Americium, Berkelium and Californium. (A nice tradition among physicists: Discover an element and you name it.) Indeed, nearly all of the elements filling the bottom row of the Periodic Table were discovered at Berkeley or by Berkeley-educated physicists.

Berkeley, of course, has also been the hotbed of political thinking. From Mario Savio leading the Free Speech Movement in the '60s to the protests against our involvement in Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia and the People's Park riots of the '70s, Berkeley is synonymous with radicalism or, as we who know the university well prefer to think, a willingness to speak out and act when speaking out and acting are needed.

And speaking of acting, Gregory Peck was a Berkeley alum. As was Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren. As were the founders or co-founders of such companies as: Apple, Intel, LSI Logic, The Gap, MySpace, PowerBar, Chez Panisse, MoveOn.org, Scharffen Berger Chocolate, Sun Microsystems, and The Learning Company.

Unfortunately, Cal's tradition of academic excellence is not matched -- not even remotely -- by its performance in athletics. Aside from its men's rugby club (with 24 national championships) and its men's water polo team (with 13), the university has a long and deep history of failure in sports. Actually, 'failure' doesn't even begin to describe it when the two big money sports -- football and basketball -- are considered. 'Woeful inadequacy' comes closer. Better yet is 'heart-ripped-painfully-and-traumatically-from-one's-chest-every-damn-year'.

Of what do I speak? Cal plays in the Pac 10, competing with 9 other schools in the conference. The winner of the conference plays in the Rose Bowl. Cal's last appearance in the Rose Bowl? 1959, losing to Iowa. The last time they won the Rose Bowl? 1938 against Alabama.

Think about that for a minute. All things equal, what are the odds of a team ending the season at the top of a 10-team conference? Right. 1 in 10. So, all things equal, you might expect a team to win the conference every 10 years or so. (Of course all things are not equal. The Pac 10 also contains USC, the only remaining professional football team in Los Angeles. Watch the news over the next week or two. You'll see yet again to what I refer.) But the Pac 10 didn't always contain 10 teams. It used to have only 8, significantly improving the probability of any one team winning the conference. Even so, Cal's last Pac 10 championship and appearance in the Rose Bowl was over 50 years ago.

And what about national championships? The last time Cal football was a national champion was, ready?, in 1922 when it shared the honor with none other than Cornell and Princeton. What good times those must have been when Cal, Cornell and Princeton -- top academic institutions -- were the kings of football!

The story of Cal's men's basketball program is only slightly better. Cal last won the conference in 1960 -- when it was the Pac 8! The previous year, a Pete Newell-led Cal team won the National Championship beating West Virginia 71-70.

Cal certainly had things going in sports in 1959. Too bad they've done almost nothing in the last 50 years.

And that's precisely to my point. Jack was right. If you can't become and remain a #1 or #2 player in the market, get out. It's time Cal listened. It's time Cal got out of the business of football and basketball.

Admit it Cal, you just don't know how to produce winners in football and basketball. You can't even produce teams that regularly finish #2. You've had 50 years to learn this important lesson. How much longer do you need? And as painful as it is for me to say this, being a football season ticket holder since I taught at Berkeley in the '80s, it's time to hang up the football spikes and basketball sneakers.

Do the right thing, Cal. Put a fork in your football and basketball programs. Save the money you're investing in athletes who continue to graduate with degrees in 'American Studies', whatever that is, should they even stay that long before transferring, dropping out or opting for the NFL draft. Save the money you're paying coaches who have not gotten the best players, have not adapted, and, as a result, do not have a competitive advantage.

And consider this: Memorial Stadium, the home of my beloved California Golden Bear football team, is being torn in half by the Hayward Fault. The fault runs downs the middle of the field from end zone to end zone and is slowly but surely pulling the east side of the stadium in the opposite direction from the west side of the stadium. Talk about an absolutely clear and unavoidable sign that the program was not meant to be!

There's no shame in trying and failing, Cal. There is shame in being too stupid to learn from 50 years of futility. Put us all out of our misery. Please. Even real golden bears exhibit greater intelligence.

Unless, of course, you can produce a winner sometime during my lifetime.

Resolutions

Welcome to 2010! A new year, a new decade, another chance to get things rights.

It's in that spirit of new beginnings that we offer a list of resolutions, one we've worked hard to keep short. Long lists, after all, are rarely achieved, possibly because we're all such gifted rationalizers. Not surprisingly, our ability to avoid taking action -- even on things that might improve our health -- tends to increase with the number of recommendations. Case in point: Your doctor telling you to lose weight, exercise, stop smoking, drink less, get more sleep, and avoid daytime television. (If you ask me, it's time for a new doctor!) Given the depth and breadth of the doctor's directives, many of us will avoid taking meaningful steps to achieve any of them -- largely due to our powers of rationalization.

Ah, but if the list is short we humans -- and I'm only speaking to the humans among us -- find it more difficult to create and maintain useful rationalizations to avoid taking action. Not impossible, just more difficult. It's for this reason, that the following list is short. Quite short, as a matter of fact. Maybe this will help us accomplish them.

So, for this new year of 2010 (and, of course, it's 20-10; you don't refer to the year 1910 as 1,910 now do you?) we offer the following resolutions:

• We will walk, bike and take public transportation whenever possible, avoiding the use of automobiles. Think this is silly? Low-hanging fruit? It may be. But check out the impact we can have by doing this. 'nuff said.
  

• We will learn a new culture. The planet is too small for us not to know more about the many rich cultures that exist here. Greater understanding of and sensitivities to the lifestyle of others are essential if we're to develop mutual respect and support for each other. Pick a culture you know little about and become your local expert, maybe mastering a bit of that culture's language. Start by learning how that culture says 'Please', 'Thank you' and 'You're welcome'. It will tell you a ton about their people.

• We will improve the workplace. We all spend way too many hours at work for it not to be more satisfying. In every place of work, there are 1 or 2 things that can be done to make it more productive, more successful. Actions that can accelerate growth. Our bet is that you already know what those things are. Do something about them in 2010, ideally soon. Your coworkers and your customers will thank you.

That's our list. Short, sweet and imminently doable. We've already signed up and committed. Possible for you to join us? We'd be honored to have you with us.

Have fun as you dig out from under the enormous pile of e- and voice mails. Figuring this will take the better part of the week, we'll leave you alone until next Monday.

And, again, happy New Year! May the year be filled with health, happiness and good wine.