Getting Your Strategy Right: A Rebuttal

In the recent edition of Fortune (April 11, 2011, page 42), Verne Harnish, CEO of Gazelles Inc., outlines five ways to ensure that a company's strategic plan is effective. His five guidelines:

1. Play to win
   
2. Ask customers for ideas...
   
3. ...But know which customer ideas to ignore
4. Involve middle management
5. Set fewer priorities

Nice, simple, safe, ideas. Yes, of course play to win. Yes, of course involve your customers. And, yes, of course limit the number of priorities you establish. But, Verne, don't you think these guidelines are a tad old-school, a bit myopic, and, possibly, fatally incomplete? More importantly, are they really the keys to driving sustained performance gains -- which, at its heart, is the ultimate purpose of a strategic plan?

We think not.

As a rebuttal, we offer the following set of requirements to ensure that a strategic plan has a fighting chance of successfully improving performance on both a short- and longer-term basis. Each is essential. To think otherwise is an error that can cost a company market share and limit its ability to compete effectively. To think otherwise may also cost a company a segment of its top talent -- a loss that can be extraordinarily expensive in so many ways.

So, as a public service, we offer our requirements for developing and executing a strategic plan with verve, efficiency and success. We call it, humbly, The Schnur Consulting Group's Keys to Strategic Plan Success.

The Schnur Consulting Group's Keys to Strategic Plan Success

1. Play to win it all. It's one thing to win, it's something much more compelling to strive to win it all, to be the best, to be the industry leader, to be the firm that all others compare themselves to. Aiming for anything less is aiming too low. An effective strategic plan sets a high, aspirational bar. Shooting for the stars can make winners. Don't take our (learned) word for it; ask the shareholders, management, employees and customers of any B-level company. They'll tell you that lower goals make for lower performance.

2. Engage your people. Assuming you've set a number of lofty goals for the next year or two, bring together a cross-functional group of your resident experts -- your management and non-management employees -- and ask them to define how best to accomplish the goals of the strategic plan. More than that, seek specific recommendations from them for performance improvement throughout your company, including:

• Faster ways to market
• Better customer service
• Enhanced efficiencies
• Process improvement
• Speed of decision-making

and any other areas that can make things easier, more streamlined, while elevating productivity and quality.

Engaging your people has a number of valuable by-products. You'll get highly useful options, avoid the huge cost of an army of consultants, and will accelerate the change process needed to achieve significant performance improvement. And you won't be surprised to learn that we have a terrific process to make this happen. We call it FUSION.

3. Let others execute. Do you need to have complete control? Must you hold all of the reins? Drive a wagon. Instead, if you want significant and sustained performance improvement, give at least part of the plan to your people to execute. Indeed, if you desire -- require -- an organization capable of sustained growth, allow others to execute. In many organizations, given the rigors associated with executing a plan and the limited opportunities to do so, this involves some training. Execution training is part of FUSION and results in a cross-functional group of people able to conceive and develop comprehensive project plans, track progress statistically, report effectively, and revise as necessary to achieve and ultimately surpass objectives. An important byproduct: The development of a group of people capable of assuming leadership roles.

4. Solicit input. Start talking to your key stakeholders and don't stop. Ever. It's the dialogue that's critical. Make sure no stakeholder group is overlooked, including your employees. Continually seek ideas about how to improve, about how to enhance the experience of working with or for your firm. Find ways to share findings and use them to inform, to improve.

5. Measure, measure, measure. Whatever your goals, track them statistically. If you can't or won't assess numerically, don't include them as a goal -- because that which isn't measured won't likely happen. And here's a novel idea: Form a team of cross-functional employees to collect, analyze and report findings directly to you and your leadership team and, subsequently, communicate them to all stakeholder groups. This will broaden buy-in, hasten performance improvement, and drive growth. Just ask any company that's used FUSION.

There you have it. Our five essentials to an effective strategic plan. Thanks, Verne, for your thoughts and to Fortune for publishing them. And thanks to all of you for being able to identify brilliance when you see it (assuming, of course, that you find this to be brilliant).

One last thing: FUSION is an amazing process. Get in touch and we'll show you what it can do.

When Conversation Ends

April 12 marks the 150th anniversary of the beginning of our Civil War. On this day in 1861, Confederate forces fired on Fort Sumter, a military installation flying the flag of the United States in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina, a state that was the first to secede from the Union. The bombardment lasted until April 14, when the fort surrendered. It was the first victory for the Confederate army and the beginning of the most devastating conflict this continent has ever know.

The war between the states would involve over 10,000 battles -- the largest and most deadly being three days at Gettysburg, resulting in 46,000 - 51,000 casualties -- and would last nearly four years, ending on April 9, 1865. Casualties for the war totaled nearly 1,030,000, representing roughly 3% of the population. Approximately 620,000 were killed. The Civil War accounted for nearly as many deaths as in all American-fought wars combined.

On April 14, 1865, a final casualty was recorded: President Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth, a Southern sympathizer, and died the following day.

For those who fear that this will be a detailed history lesson with midterm and final to follow, let me put your mind at ease. This is not about the Civil War (though I'm still considering the idea of a final, so do pay close attention). Nor is it about the horror of war or a discussion of the causes of the Civil War. (Regardless of what you read, don't look beyond the obvious: Slavery.) Nor is this week's blog about the debate regarding the relative power of a centralized national government versus decentralized state governments. No, as compelling as these topics might be, we'll leave them for another time.

Instead, we'll consider what happens when people on two sides of an emotional issue stop talking. More specifically, we'll explore something even more debilitating: The deliberate, calculated and, sadly, increasingly successful attempt to prevent debate about our most pressing issues. This diabolical effort to inhibit meaningful dialogue is, in our opinion, creating a civil war of an entirely different, but no less dangerous sort. (Hello Sarah Palin. Hello Michele Bachmann. Hello and good-bye, Glenn Beck.)

Attempts to short-circuit debate

When conversation ends, bad things nearly always result. Not always in war, involving death and destruction -- like the one we're commemorating this week -- but in the creation of significant, powerful barriers between people. Barriers that, in turn, promote ignorance and hostility and segment entire populations. And all too often, especially of late, it appears that these barriers are being erected for the sole purpose of fermenting a dangerous division in our society, not unlike that which led to our civil war.

Of what do I speak? I'm glad you asked.

Let's begin with the highly emotional inference -- promoted by high-ranking Republicans and many in the Tea Party -- that President Obama was not born in this country and is not Christian. When was the last time a sitting president's nationality was questioned? When was the last time his religion was questioned? When was the last time this country had an African American president? Think there's any relationship between these questions? (Think four questions -- now five -- in a row is excessive?) Of course there's a relationship. Questioning the president's birthplace is a deliberate attempt to undermine his credibility, to promote anger, to rouse opposition. To suggest also that he is Muslim is designed specifically to alienate and undermine even further. This is all done to prevent Obama from being part of the discussion about the direction of this country. To create factions. To divide. Racist tactics have that effect.

That Obama's birthplace was ever questioned in the first place is amazing. That his birthplace is still a topic is more amazing. That House Speaker John Boehner can say, in regards to Obama's birthplace, "It's not my job to tell the American people what to think. The American people have the right to think what they want." is beyond amazing. That Boehner -- and many others -- can get away with it is simply astounding.

But consider this: In a recent poll reported in the Los Angeles Times (February 16, 2011), 51% of likely Republican primary voters believe that Obama was born outside the United States. More than 80% of the likely voters with a favorable impression of Sarah Palin do not believe the president is a citizen. Think the numbers for supports of Michele Bachmann are even more skewed, given her vitriol? Probably.

By the way, Winston Churchill once described fanatics as those who "can't change their mind and won't change the subject." Seems apt, no?

Let's consider another example of an emotional topic with insufficient discussion, one dividing us: Global warming. The scientific data is overwhelming and indicates two clear, incontrovertible truths:

1. Global warming is real and is happening.
2. Humans are to blame.

For a great many, though, overlooking science is an option. A steadfast belief that global warming is a cause célèbre of the Leftist tree-huggers, as some would describe them, is preventing us from discussing this serious issue productively. And while we avoid the debate in this country -- especially the options we have to slow the effects of global warming -- the planet's climate continues to change. (Interested in a very good read? Try Mark Hertsgaard's Hot.) Such is the impact of electing to ignore data and, in the process, inhibiting dialogue.

A more emotional example of data being ignored and dialogue prevented: Evolution. Try to have a conversation about evolution and you'll likely find yourself on one side of a huge wall, regardless of your religious views. You'll also find yourself labeled and assigned, unfairly, to an undesirable segment of the population: Those who do not believe, those who do not care, those who do not feel. All unfair and all designed to eliminate a good, healthy conversation about our origins.

Yet another example of a deliberate method to curtail if not fully prevent discussion is seen in the workplace in the form of the oft-heard and innovation-killing mantra, "But we've always done it this way." What a conversation stopper! What a motivation squelcher! What a terrific way to prevent growth! And, without doubt, a brilliant way to create factions -- those who defend the tried and true versus those who seek to create new traditions -- and doom an organization to long-term mediocrity. (Ah, but this is can be remedied and we can help.)

Our message: Beware those who would prevent discussion. Identify those who alienate, create factions, and work to divide us, for they are, without doubt, suppressors of freedom. Open, honest dialogue is our raison d'être, our guiding principle, our core value. Question the motives of those who would undermine the conversation, for their heart is dark and mind suspect. We are one people with many viewpoints. And should our ability to debate be taken from us by others within this land, have fear for our future as the end of conversation inevitably leads to bad things. Keep this squarely in mind as we remember the war that was fought on this continent 150 years ago.

* * * * * *

That said, let's hope you were paying close attention.

The Final Exam

1. On what fort did the Confederacy fire, marking the beginning of the Civil War?

A. Fort Sutter
B. Fort Night
C. Fort Sumter
D. Fort Lauderdale
E. Fort Knox

2. On what day did the Civil War end?

A. April 9, 1965
B. April 9, 1856
C. April 9, 1865
D. April 9, 1855
E. April 9, 1857

3. Which state was the first to secede from the Union?

A. New York
B. Virginia
C. Tennessee
D. Georgia
E. South Carolina

4. What was the primary difference in belief between the northern and southern states that led to the Civil War?

A. Slavery
B. Slavery
C. Slavery
D. Slavery
E. All of the above

5. At the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, on January 1, 1863, approximately how many slaves existed in both the North (yes, there were slaves in the north, even in New York) and South?

A. 4,000,000
B. I didn't know this was going to be on the test
C. This is unfair to ask since you didn't cover this in your blog
D. Hard to know, but I bet a lot
E. Damn. I should have watched Ken Burn's brilliant documentary The Civil War

Scroll down for answers.



















1. C, 2. C, 3. E, 4. E, 5, A (but do seek out Burns' The Civil War)

See you next week.

The Presentation: A Play in Two Acts

ACT I

Curtain rises, lights come up. A ubiquitous corporate conference room. Sally and Mark, mid-level managers and colleagues, prepare for a presentation to their executive management team. They sit together, reviewing their material and obsessing about what's soon to come.

Sally

(Seeking assurance.) We're ready, right? This recommendation is perfect. It's right in our wheel house, exactly our sweet spot. We're good, no?

Mark

Yes, we're ready. That said, you never know what kind of curve ball they're bound to throw at us. You know they will. They love that game, that intimidation game.

Sally

That's what I'm afraid of. No way can we strike out on this. There's simply too much riding on it.

Mark

Agreed. After all, this is the major leagues. Solid hits are expected.

Sally

I know, I know. This isn't the minors. (Flipping to a new page in the presentation.) Our line-up is very strong and our bench is deep. We've certainly got the resources we need to deliver.

Mark

Yes, with Ed we have a proven lead-off hitter. Theresa can always be counted on to deliver in the clutch and Jose is a terrific slugger. No way we get shut out.

Sally

So why do I feel like we're about to approach the plate without a bat?

Mark

(Laughing.) That's what's great about you, Sally: You're one of the most feared hitters in the game and, despite your track record of perfect games, you act like a rookie who's just been called up from Des Moines. (After a pause.) You're the ideal person to make this pitch and to lead this team. We'll win this, Sally. After all, it's our World Series.

Sally

(Visibly relieved.) Thanks, Mark. I don't think I've ever had a more supportive teammate. Let's knock their socks off.

Mark

My thought exactly.

Unnamed Assistant

(Opening conference room door.) They're ready for you. (Quietly, to Mark.) I hope you're ready for them.

Mark

(With concern, while gathering materials and standing.) What do you mean by that?

Unnamed Assistant

Just to warn you: They're in a foul mood. The presentation before you did not go well. That team got no-hit. Worse than that, really. They never even got to first base.

Mark

(Leaving conference room, to Sally:) Sounds like me in high school! (Sally snickers.) But, seriously, it's all the better for us. We've got our A-game. We'll blow them away.

Sally

(Again looking tense.) I hope you're right, Mark. Let's hit this one out of the park.

Mark

(As they enter the adjoining conference room, with sounds of voices in the background.) If you insist, Sally. If you insist.

Male Voice From Inside Executive Conference Room

So, you're up next?

Lights dim, curtain falls.

ACT II

Curtain rises, lights come up. Executive conference room after a lengthy meeting. Water bottles, coffee cups, and papers litter the large, elegant table. Twelve high-backed leather chairs are at all angles, its occupants having left them askew. A screen covers a far wall. Sally and Mark sit at one end of the table, each holding a partially-filled water bottle. Both appear spent.

Mark

(Slowing shaking his head.) Well, that happened.

Sally

(Dejectedly.) Yes, that certainly did.

Mark

What was up with Sam? We're not 3 minutes into this and he throws a high fastball right at your head.

Sally

I don't have a clue. I have no idea why he'd do that. I'm not even sure if it was a message pitch. That bean ball completely surprised me. But, I must say, Mark, you saved the day. What an amazing diving catch you made! It was gorgeous!

Mark

Don't know about that, but no way was I going to let his backdoor slider effect our approach at the plate. No way was I going to let him mess with our timing or balance. We were ready for his squeeze play.

Sally

Well, you were an all-star, Mark. I always knew you were a great fielder, but I had no idea you were that fast. Dude, you played that one like a hall of famer! (Conspiratorially, in a whisper.) You been doing 'roids? Again?

Mark

(Laughing, striking a body-builder pose.) Why, does it look it? Is my head bigger?

Sally

After this meeting, it just might be. Sam throws that pitch and is clearly expecting you to swing right through it, get no wood on the ball, maybe, if you're lucky, foul it off into the stands. But what do you do? You, our Babe Ruth, our Ichiro, you smack it right back up the middle, right through the box. You're standing on second before he even knows what's happened --

Mark

-- and then you drove me in with that home run of a comment about winning the division, making the playoffs, and kicking ass in the postseason. They absolutely loved it!

Sally

(Allowing herself to smile.) They did, didn't they. You scored standing up (quickly holds up a hand to Mark) -- and no cracks about high school! -- and that was the ballgame. That was all she wrote.

Mark

You're right. No way they could come back from that. It was a no-doubt-about-it grand slam. It won the game for us, Sally. It probably also put Sam back in the bullpen. Hard to imagine him being a trusted starter in that rotation anytime soon.

Sally

Fine by me. I've always liked Sam, but he's got some nasty stuff and has his own ways of forcing errors. I've seen him reduce veteran ballplayers to Single-A journeymen with just one inside fastball. The man knows how to play the game.

Mark

You're right. I've seen that happen. One heater, some high cheese, and your knees are buckling and then you're throwing balls into the stands.

Sally

But, not us. Not today. We came into their ballpark, quieted the crowd, and swept 'em.

Mark

Swept 'em at home. That's got a nice ring to it. Let's see how long the good feeling lasts.

Sally

Let's enjoy it now. But, remember, we have another game tomorrow.

Mark

Fair enough. Not to worry. I'll be ready, coach.

Sally

Hey, speaking of having a game tomorrow, I have tickets to the ball game tomorrow night. Good seats. Any interest?

Mark

Baseball? Sweet of you to offer, Sally. But I hate baseball. I don't know a thing about it.

Sally gives Mark a shocked look as the lights fade and curtain falls.

Deliberate Acts of Kindness

Welcome to the last week of March, the first days of April, the beginning of baseball and, of course, our favorite time of year: The season of Deliberate Acts of Kindness.

What, you haven't heard of the season of Deliberate Acts of Kindness? Say it ain't so! How could this possibly be? Have you been living under a rock for the last six months? Been floating aimlessly on a raft in the middle of the ocean with no WiFi? Only watching DVDs or movies online? Avoiding any opportunity to hear news of the world? (If so, you've missed Japan, Egypt, Elizabeth, a new war, gas price gouging, the Giants winning the World Series, to name a few.) Following The Dance too closely (if that's possible) and obsessing about not taking the obvious picks of VCU and Butler to make the Final Four? Been hibernating?

Regardless, you clearly missed the declaration that the season of Deliberate Acts of Kindness begins this year on March 28 at your sunrise. Which means, of course, that the season has begun. So, welcome to the best season of the year!

What is the season of Deliberate Acts of Kindness you ask? Our initial response: Must we explain everything? (Sorry. That wasn't terribly kind. In the spirit of the season, please forgive us. We'll try again.)

The season of Deliberate Acts of Kindness is that time of the year when we are all called upon to seek opportunities to demonstrate friendliness and generosity continuously. Key concepts include:

1. Finding opportunities to be friendly, generous and/or considerate
   
2. Demonstrating friendliness, generosity and/or consideration for others, and
   
3. Repeating steps 1 and 2 until the end of the season.
   

The list of possible deliberate acts of kindness is endless. But, since it's the season let us provide 20 useful ideas to get you going:

• Holding doors for others (heard this from us before?)
  
• Helping those less mobile cross the street (Way to go Alonzo Mourning!)
• Thanking those who work with you for all they do
• Reconnecting with a long-lost friend
  
• Donating to a charity, any charity
• Slowing down to allow someone to merge into traffic (If you're the recipient, remember to wave!)
  
• Sending flowers to your mother (she'll love it)
  
• Sending flowers to your father (he'll dig it)
• Calling a member of your extended family just to say 'hi' (Call us old school, but texting does NOT qualify here as an act of kindness!)
• Giving your car and the Earth a break by taking alternate modes of transportation a day or two each week
  
• Planting a garden
• Bringing coffee or tea to a stressed co-worker or, yes, even your boss
  
• Being polite to telemarketers (They're people too. Really.)
• Greeting people with genuine warmth and a hug
• Giving that guy you avoid eye contact with every day on the street on your way to work a buck or two
• Calling or hugging your kid(s), just because
• Joining a museum
• Volunteering even if only for an hour
• Call that friend who you know needs help and offer support, even if only emotional
  
• Be polite to Dodger fans (Like telemarketers, they, too, are people.)
  

That's just 20 possibilities. Add your own flair, your own creativity. Find ways to help and support others, to make people around you feel better, to honor the contributions of those with whom you work, to add a bit more joy to the lives of friends, family and, given the season, strangers. Find ways to relieve the burden on the environment. Provide assistance -- time and/or money -- to organizations striving to feed, educate or inspire others. Be genuinely polite, even warm and appreciative, to those who have impossible jobs.

The season of Deliberate Acts of Kindness has begun! Start today to spread happiness with verve, determination, and passion. Remember, with any luck what goes around comes around.

One last point. No end date for the season has been set. We wouldn't have it any other way.

The Job of Work

A sampling of recent e-mails:

I love your blog! It makes me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time. It makes me think, too, but I won't hold that against you. But what in the world does 'the job of work' mean? Sandy, Nebraska

Thanks for writing about work. It's hard to work where I do. It's not the job that's hard, it's the people, especially my boss. Actually, I really like what I do. I just don't like how hard they make it. Please keep writing. David, Florida

Your blog is usually good but sometimes it sucks. But I have to admit (please don't tell anyone!) that I look forward to reading it every Monday. I like when you write about what it's like at work. It's like you can read my mind! My manager can be a jerk. Her manager IS a jerk. Together, they can make my job miserable. Help them, please! Karen, Georgia

My friends and I read your blog every week. It helps us laugh at the things that happen where we work. There's a lot to laugh at, which is too bad. We've got some wonderful people here and some others who make things very difficult. Sadly, they make working here harder than it should be. John, Washington

Things here are not much different than they are where you are. (That wasn't a very good sentence, was it?) I really like what I do and I like the people I work with. I even like my supervisor. He's fair, which is all I can ask. But the company hardly ever tells us the real truth. We know there redundancies, as we call them here, and that there are going to be layoffs, so why don't they tell us? What's so hard about being honest? Don't they know how hard they're making it for us? Evan, United Kingdom

I used to love my job. I used to love my company. I used to look forward to coming to work. I used to care. But, over time, the people who run this place have made it harder and harder. We had layoffs, a pay freeze, a hiring freeze, and a cut to our benefits. I didn't like it, but I know why they had to do those things. What I don't understand is why they can't be honest with us about our situation, or why they don't let us help. We have ideas and no one's even asking. Susan, Texas

It must be a small world! What you write about is very true here in Chile. Our job is to give good service to our customers. We want them to like working with us. We also want them to like our company. But, the politics inside our company are very big and powerful. They make us guess all of the time. We try to do what is correct, but we do not always know what that is. Do companies in your country also make work so hard? Pablo, Chile

I don't care for everything you write (sorry!), but you usually make me think about how I want to live my life and how I want to do my job. I try really hard at work to do what I think they want me to do. It would be a whole lot easier if they didn't make me guess. Please keep writing your blog. Maybe someone here who can do something about our situation will read it. Jennifer, California

Your blogs are wonderful! You write beautifully and the topics you choose are always timely. I've learned so much! Thank you! (And remember to be nice to unions!) Your mother, Oakland

I've worked here for nearly 20 years. I started as a Customer Service Rep and have moved up the ladder to my current position. Many people report to me in a large geography. Your blog has helped me think about how I manage and lead people. I know it's important to be as honest as possible and to treat people as I would like to be treated. Your blog is like holding up a mirror because it gives me the chance to compare what I do to what you write about. Thank you for that. But just once can you please say that withholding truth is a good thing? Just once? (I had to ask!) Jim, New York

My job should be a lot easier than it is right now. There are rumors everywhere and no one is sure what's going to happen. Are we going to be sold? Are we going to buy another company? Are we going to 'centralize', whatever that is? Are they going to bring in consultants to eliminate jobs like in Office Space? (Sorry, I know you're a consultant. At least your name isn't Bob.) It's nearly impossible to get anything done with all of the rumors. Help! Bill, Arizona

I've worked hard to get this job and I absolutely love it! I actually help people and it feels good. Our company is doing better now, too. But we could be doing so much more to strengthen the company. If only our managers listened to the ideas we have. I don't expect that they would approve all of them, but why don't they even listen? In many ways it's sad and makes me wonder if this is the best place for me. Robin, California

Thanks for writing every week! I especially like your rants. (I promise NEVER to write another annual letter!) I also like how you understand how hard it is to work these days -- especially in my company! You're right, it's a job to work. The memos, the town hall meetings, the half-truths, the conflicting messages, the politics (the politics!!) -- all of it makes us crazy. It's worse than that, though, because now we're not sure what any of the bosses want. Should we come in even earlier and stay even later, even if all of our work is done? Should we help each other or should we hope someone else messes up? Should we worry about our job or should we believe what we're being told? Sorry for all of the questions. It should be so much easier, right? Debbie, New Jersey

I bet I spend at least 25% of my time at work trying to deal with the 'stuff' that comes down from on high. Between rumors, politics and mixed messages, it's like having another job on top of the one I already have! We should be trying to make things easier at work, not harder. Please call the people who run this company and tell them, okay? Tell them they're making my job way too hard. Scott, Colorado

If you didn't before, do you get the title of this blog now? Thought so.

See you next week.

The Joy of Meaningless Baseball

Revolution in the Middle East. An earthquake of incomprehensible power in Japan wreaking vast destruction -- including seriously jeopardizing a number of nuclear power plants -- and actually moving the country's main island an astounding 2.4 meters and shifting the axis of the entire planet 25 centimeters. (Carole King was right: The Earth did move under our feet.) Ongoing economic struggles throughout the world. Gasoline prices passing the $4.00/gallon mark. Charlie Sheen.

In the midst of such turmoil, will we at TJOW, mature, committed journalists and consultants interested in world events, devote our attention to the significant impact these events are having on the world of work, those who work in traditional workplaces, or how best to cope during times of intense change? Alas, no. Instead, this week we focus our attention on a work environment of a much different sort. One defined by diamonds.

No, not those kind of diamonds. Baseball diamonds.

This week we turn our back, at least momentarily, on the pressures of work and the events of recent days and turn our attention to the charm, beauty and tranquility of meaningless baseball -- which, by the way, is not redundant! -- played in the desert of Arizona.

Yes, this week we take an all-too-brief trip to Spring Training.

[A TJOW shout-out to Bob Kakiuchi, our Spring Training partner for 15 years, for the above introduction and for playing the role of Muse so effectively. Keep dictating, Bob!]

There's nothing quite like Spring Training in the Cactus League. Fifteen teams playing in ten small, intimate, one-more-gorgeous-than-the-next ball parks scattered around Phoenix, all within an hour's drive of each other. Happy, friendly baseball fans from throughout the country, enjoying 85-degree sunshine, bedecked in their team's colors, sitting side-by-side those who desperately love the opposing team -- and no one caring a lick about the outcome of the game. For these are exhibitions, practice games, in preparation for the real deal season beginning later this month.

All in all, there's much more concern about having applied sufficient sunscreen and where to have dinner than for what actually occurs on the field. Who might we see at dinner tonight? (This year: Willie Mays, Bud Selig, Frank Robinson, Buster Posey.) Will it be the full chicken at Don & Charlie's? And much, much more importantly: Will I tan evenly? Critical Spring Training questions, to be sure.

The games of Spring Training are markedly different than regular season games. Here, starters play maybe 4 or 5 innings and then do their post-game running on the warning track during the game. Players with long-shot hopes of making the major league team -- denoted by being assigned uniforms with non-baseball numbers in the 70s and 80s -- play the remaining innings, often brilliantly. Children of all ages -- many in their 60s and 70s -- carry baseballs and pens in the hopes of snagging an autograph of their favorite players -- and usually getting them.

The biggest cheer at Spring Training? When the public address announcer provides a weather report from the cities of the two teams. 'While it's 85 degrees and sunny here, it's currently 21 degrees and snowing in Milwaukee. And it's raining and 47 degrees in Seattle at this very moment. Welcome to Peoria!'

Wonderfully, players in Spring Training actually interact with fans. Case in point: At one game a number of years ago, Jeff Kent, while with the Giants, starting in deep right field and working his way to the dugout, signed autographs for an hour during the later innings of a game. Another notable case in point: Julian Tavares, a relief pitcher for the Giants, declined to give a TJOW son an autograph before a Spring Training game, instead ruffling his hair. Julian was cut from the team a couple of months later. Coincidence? Not a chance.

Truth be known, Spring Training is not even about the games. The ball yards themselves are the attraction. The photo above is of the main diamond at the Peoria Sports Complex, home of the San Diego Padres and the Seattle Mariners. Seats behind home plate are $23, parking $5, beer $6.25 (still a rip), a capacity of about 9,000, and the friendliest staff to be found in baseball.

The photo just above is the newest park in the Cactus League and one with arguably the single best name of any sports venue in the United States: Salt River Fields at Talking Stick. Is that not fantastic? Built on land owned by the Pima-Maricopa Indians and home of the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Colorado Rockies, the park honors the history of these two Native American communities and is, to our eye, an absolutely beautiful place for baseball. Dispensers on the concourse offer complimentary sunscreen. Volunteers continually welcome you to the park. Signs throughout the park are in English and in the languages of the Pimas and Maricopas. Very cool.

The park at right is in Surprise and home to the Kansas City Royals and Texas Rangers. Modeled after Churchill Downs, the park is beyond charming. Seats from this vantage point are $18 and, remarkably, parking in their lots is free. Yes, free. In a rematch of the 2010 World Series, the Giants outlasted the Rangers on Sunday 11-8. But, really, who cares?

Not that Spring Training is all peaches and cream (or, more aptly, fried food and starch). There are issues, important issues. Bermuda shorts -- in every conceivable plaid -- are everywhere and are often worn with calf-length black socks and, shocking but true, dress shoes. Clothing two sizes too small are a constant occurrence -- often worn by those who shouldn't, if you know what we mean and we're sure you do. And, after all, it is Arizona. Carry your papers if you know what's good for you.

Spring Training happens for a month annually. If you've been, you know of what we speak. If you haven't, we strongly recommend it. But only if you enjoy sunshine, friendly people, charming ball yards, the optimism Spring brings, and meaningless baseball. And the chance to escape, if only for a weekend. Hey, you never know: You might be having dinner next to Bud Selig. But don't let that dissuade you. It's still worth the trip.

On Laughter

Laughter. An amazing behavior, one we demonstrate well before we learn to speak. There are thousands of languages and tens of thousands of dialects we humans speak. Even so, we all laugh nearly the same way. And while we're not alone -- chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, dogs and even rats laugh -- laughter is one of the most endearing ways to communicate pure human emotion.

Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken

The day I made that statement, about inventing the Internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. Al Gore

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

Laughter is a powerful drug. It can reduce pain, increase hopefulness (both due, in part, to the release of endorphins), create friendships, disarm adversaries, reduce tension, increase joy, and when experienced for an extended period of time, tighten one's abs not unlike an extended workout in the gym. Without the need for special clothing or a monthly membership fee.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West

I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money. Bob Hope

Freud theorized that laughter releases tension and psychic energy and, in turn, promotes health. John Morreall, the philosopher, believed that human laughter may have its biological origins as a kind of shared expression of relief at the passing of danger. Nietzsche, though, considered laughter to be a reaction to the sense of existential loneliness and mortality that only humans feel. Think Nietzsche knew Charlie Sheen?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Anonymous

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres

Regardless, it feels good to laugh. Actually, it can feel great to laugh. Releasing, exhausting, uplifting. The true outcome of a good laugh: Happiness, even euphoria, at least temporarily. And don't forget those tightened abs!

After 12 years of therapy, my psychologist said something that brought tears to my eyes, 'No hablo ingles.' Anonymous

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steve Wright

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W.C. Fields

Indeed, there's nothing quite like a really good, from-the-soul, tears-in-the-eyes, nose-leaking, can't-quite-catch-one's-breath, belly-aching, hang-on-for-dear-life laugh. Laughter that comes when you truly let go of all inhibitions, not worrying about what's right and what's proper or how you look. Laughter that has you reaching to touch someone -- to connect to someone -- to share the sheer joy of the moment. Or to avoid falling. Laughter that's contagious, that causes others to go there with you. Laughter that's so good it hurts.

Yes, that kind of laughter.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Paula Poundstone

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Samuel Goldwyn

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

The problem, as we see it, is that we laugh -- really laugh -- far too infrequently.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Anonymous

I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. H. L. Mencken

If true, why? Might it be that we've been taught, as we grow, that laughter is somehow unrefined, signifying a simplistic and, possibly, crude reaction to life? That laughter is childish and, worse, immature? That to laugh in anything but a controlled, 'dignified' manner is inappropriate? That laughing can be wrong, given the context or setting? That one must think before one laughs so as to be sensitive to others? That one shouldn't laugh at someone but with someone? That there is nothing to laugh at, especially during these turbulent times?

All possible reasons. And all garbage.

We say laugh! Laugh hard. Laugh often. Laugh alone. Laugh with others. Laugh while showering. Laugh in the car, on the bus, on the train. Laugh at work -- especially at work. Laugh while cooking. Laugh while eating with a mouthful of food. Laugh until you cry. Laugh until you cause laughter in others. And then laugh some more.

Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost? Anonymous

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Anonymous

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Anonymous

Consider laughter -- real laughter -- an essential part of your daily diet. It's as important as air, water and stuffed cabbage. You'll live, sleep and love better. And, importantly, it will revitalize your soul and tighten your abs. No therapist or personal trainer required.

He who laughs last didn't get it. Anonymous

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Anonymous

Right.