Rapture or Just Bad Weather

I'm just not sure how much time and energy I should put into this week's blog. I mean, after all, no one might be around during the week to read it. Not with this Rapture thing hanging over our heads.

According to 'brother' Harold Camping, the leader of Family Radio Worldwide, the independent Christian broadcast ministry, the end of the world as we know it begins on May 21. The Rapture. Five months of hell on earth. Beginning by time zone on the 21st until the entire world is encompassed, the few saved by God will ascend to heaven while the rest of us will be left to suffer and die. Judgment Day.

[Question 1: Will it be like when we change the clocks? But, instead, do we forget the Spring forward and Fall back stuff and go straight to Apocalypse Now Global Standard Time (ANGST)?]

It's a fair assumption that I won't be among those saved. And not just because Jews aren't 'saved'. It's likely due to that thing that happened in college. Or any number of other things that make me unworthy in the eyes of Family Radio Worldwide. Like writing about them. So, I'm pretty sure I'll be around. I just don't know how many of you will be here with me.

Why is this happening now, you ask? Because it's the 7,000th anniversary of Noah's flood. (Not on your calendar? Probably way past time for you to sync.) According to brother Harold, God has been angered by our sins, like, among many others, the growing acceptance of homosexuality. And same-sex marriage. Fundamentalist Christians seem to have a great number of ways to sin. And, sadly, 'interfering in the lives of others' is not one of them.

So after 7,000 blissful years, here we are. Their website says it all, ominously: 00 days left. The Bible guarantees it.

[Question 2: Whose Bible guarantees it? Mine says nothing about Judgment Day. But since I don't speak Biblical Hebrew, I have to rely on the translation so I don't know for sure. I guess I should have paid more attention in Hebrew School and less attention to Debbie K.]

What do we, the unworthy, those who will be left behind, have to look forward to? Aside from less traffic, those not ascending to Heaven (that's probably you, pal) will face devastating earthquakes that unearth bodies of previously dead sinners, followed by a series of monumental calamities. Until October 21 when, wait for it, the Earth will be obliterated.

Didn't we already see that movie?

You've undoubtedly driven past the billboards. They're hard to miss, given that there are 5,500 of them worldwide. You also might have received one of the 100 million pamphlets printed in 61 languages warning us of The End.

Brother Harold, a spry 89, clearly doesn't mess around. Indeed, his ministry had an annual budget of $36.7 million in 2009 (the most recent IRS figures). That's an awful lot of people who are looking for a stairway to Heaven. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself. You'll stop hearing the song in your head in a day or so.) His brilliant fundraising skills aside, brother Harold did err by predicting this wrongly once before, claiming his September 1994 prediction to have been 'flawed'. (A pre-Senior moment, no doubt.)

And, get this, he graduated from the University of California, Berkeley, my alma mater, and broadcasts from Oakland, California. I have got to move.

[Question 3: Did you got the e-mail from the ministry? The one with packing instructions? I didn't. Must be a problem with my server.]

Please note: According to Family Radio Worldwide, readers of this blog are not automatically disqualified from being saved, but rest assured that you're definitely not helping your chances any. But there may still be time. Check their website for ways to donate.

[Question 4: Is there a dress code for Heaven? And, if so, can one wear white shoes after Labor Day?]

Some are afraid (apparently this includes many children). Some scoff. Some wonder if they'll be among those who leave this planet for a far, far better place. Some, like my friend Jean-Paul, look forward to having more available parking.

And while others fear the end, I say: Bring it on! It's about time!

It's long overdue that the 'pure', the fundamentalists, the 'true believers' found their way to Heaven -- or, for that matter, anywhere else. All things considered, I don't care where you go, just leave us! Or, at the very least, leave us to live our lives as we choose. Don't like homosexuality or same-sex marriage? Fine. You're entitled to your own beliefs, homophobic as they may be. But don't foist your ideology on us. Or your fear. In other words: Stay out of our face. Find your Heaven and let us enjoy ours.

Assuming, of course, you're still around this week. In which case we'll still be hunting for parking.