Hidden Fees

When was the last time you bought a ticket to anything -- especially on-line -- and incurred no additional, hidden fees? A rhetorical question. I'm too angry for you to give example after example that will undermine my frustration. I'm enjoying the anger, so don't even try to talk me down.

Without going into too much detail, I was recently charged $12.50 to buy a $40 ticket on-line to a local music show. $12.50 for a $40 ticket! A 'convenience' charge. For what convenience? The convenience of buying a ticket to the show?

And get this: There was only one type of ticket for this particular show: General Admission. No seat selection, no options. $12.50 for the convenience of buying a General Admission ticket without talking to a live human being. (I wonder: Would that $12.50 have gone up or down had I needed a live human to help me? Too many good lines there, but all would make me laugh. And I'd prefer to stay mad as hell.)

So I called the venue and found out that I could buy tickets at the door -- for $40 + a convenience fee of $6. Of course I asked what convenience they were providing. My mistake. Here's how the conversation unfolded:

Lady: "What do you mean, 'what convenience'?"

Me: "You're going to charge me $6 to buy the ticket at the door. What is the $6 for?"

"It's for the convenience of buying a ticket."

"And again I ask, what convenience? Do I get to come to the front of the line? Are you going to escort me into the theater? Help me work my way through the crowd to the bar? Order my first drink? Wash my car while I'm inside? Certainly I'll get something for the $6 you're charging."

"Have you been drinking?"

"It's 9:30 in the morning."

"So?"

"No, I haven't been drinking. Though I am rethinking that position. Regardless, please tell me what I'll get for the $6."

"You'll get a ticket to the show."

"But isn't that what the $40 is for?"

"Yes, the show costs $40."

"So why do I have to pay $6 more?"

"Because you'll need a ticket to get in."

"BUT THAT'S WHAT THE $40 IS FOR! What is the $6 for?"

"For the convenience of buying a ticket."

"Oh, my. Who's on 1st?"

"Who's on first? First what? You have been drinking, haven't you?"

"No. Instead I'm considering a life of crime. One that may very well begin with you."

"That's very sweet of you to say. Please make sure you ask for me when you pick up your ticket."

"Oh, you can be sure I will."

"Good. By the way, we take credit cards."

"Is there a charge for using my credit card? It's convenient, after all."

"No, but if you don't pay your bill on time, the bank will charge interest."

"Don't get me started."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. I can e-mail your ticket to you and you can print it at home."

"Great. Now that's convenient. I'll do it."

"I figured you would. There's an additional $4 charge for at-home printing."

That's when I hung up. And paid a Convenience Fee of $12.50 to buy my ticket on line. Home printing was free. Woo-hoo.

This venue isn't alone in finding ways to charge more for whatever we're buying. The airlines, for example, add a 'Segment Fee', a 'Passenger Facility Fee' and a TSA-mandated 'Security Fee' to every ticket. Rental car companies add a 'Daily Facility Use Fee' and a 'Concession Recovery Fee' to their daily rates.

Does the expression 'nickel and dimed to death' come to your mind? It does to mine.

I say enough already! If it costs $40 + $6 to buy a ticket, tell me the cost of the show is $46. If the fully-loaded daily rate for a mid-sized car at Avis is $45.50, tell me it's $45.50 -- not $29.95 + taxes and fees. I get that increasing revenue now is important but this deceptive approach is NOT the way to do it.

Because I -- like many customers -- won't forget how badly we're being treated during these challenging economic times. I promise.

And while we're on the topic of the Nobel Peace Prize (I'm told that my segues often cause whiplash), many are questioning the validity of President Obama's selection as this year's recipient of the world's top award. (Yes, the Nobel Peace Prize scores a bit higher than the MTV Music Awards -- even the one for Best Video By a Male, Female or Other Newcomer With Little or No Talent.)

The concern, of course, is that Obama hasn't done enough to warrant the prize. I beg to differ. Obama has changed the conversation. Globally. The role of the United States in world affairs, honoring the importance of all religions, our shared responsibilities for global warming, the need for a peaceful coexistence of a Palestinian state and Israel -- these are just some of the topics of conversation that Obama has influenced on a global scale. He's created a new, refreshing, optimistic vision for how we can live together on this increasingly crowded planet and, more importantly, how we, together, can solve our most important problems.

Given that many of us can't even change the conversation in our own homes, it seems that such a feat is worthy of this tremendous honor.

And by the way, you think, sir, that the Nobel Peace Prize is a 'call to action'? (To steal from Saturday Night Live:) Wasn't that what the election was?

Congratulations, Mr. President! Now, please, get something done, okay? Check your mail for my list. Due dates are included. Health care reform should be easy compared to #3 on my list: Having the Giants win next year's World Series. But, hey, if you can change the conversation globally, surely you can pull off this miracle.

Have fun this week.