Dear Mr. President

Happy 49th birthday, sir! I trust it was a good day and an even better week for you. The oil has stopped flowing into the gulf, your appointment to the Supreme Court was confirmed, and we'll soon be out of Iraq. (Right, sir? You did say so. You do remember saying that, don't you?) That Prop 8 in California was ruled unconstitutional came later, but still made for a good week, no?

My 49th birthday was a bit different, by the way, but that's a story for another day.

But, hey, want to make your 50th year even better? How about this: Put an end to this terrible economic blight. You can do it! Here's how.

A proposal to the President

I have a proposal, sir, one that will address the high unemployment rate and the economy, which, by all local accounts, needs big help. Don't believe the stuff you're being told, Mr. President. It's tough out here. Many people are hurting. Even those with jobs are working longer hours, have less security, and are spending less. (I know you know this -- at least I hope you do -- but sometimes even I wonder, sir.)

Here's my proposal:

1. Use the vast resources at your disposal and put a huge number of people to work painting, updating, and otherwise improving every public school in this country.

2. While you're at it, hire someone to teach every 25 children in this country.

3. Lastly, hire someone to assist every teacher in every classroom.

And that's it.

What?, you say? You suggest, Alan, having the federal government get into the business of updating our schools and staffing every school currently under-staffed?

Yes. That's exactly what I propose, sir. You've still got it, Mr. President. Even at 49.

We did it once before and it worked pretty well. Remember the Work Projects Administration? Sure you do. Created in 1935 under the New Deal, the WPA was designed to stimulate the economy during the Great Depression and preserve the skills and self-respect of unemployed people by providing them useful work. During its existence, the WPA employed 8.5 million people in the construction of 650,000 miles of roads, 125,000 public buildings, 75,000 bridges, 8,000 parks, and 800 airports. The WPA also administered the WPA Federal Art Project, the Theater Project, and the Writers' Project, which provided jobs for unemployed artists, actors, and writers. The WPA existed until 1943, when World War II ended unemployment.

I say let's do it again! No, not another war. A federal program to put people to work.

How cool would this be, Mr. President! Paint and update every school in the United States. The Hawthorne Effect alone will drive performance improvement across the country. Staff every school so that no class is larger than 25. Ensure that every teacher has an aide.

How cool would it be to get people back to work and have them doing something meaningful?

Very cool. Actually, it would be amazingly cool.

How much are we talking? Say 5 million people at $50,000/year + health benefits (at 35%) = $34 billion or so. Add another $16 billion for paint, equipment, a nets for the basketball hoops. (Every hoop has got to have a net.) So the cost of getting 5 million people back to work and improving every damn school in this country is, what, $50 billion and change annually? Dude, that's a budgetary rounding error. Sign a check and we can get this rolling today. My firm volunteers to head the effort. (Where 'volunteer' means paid nicely, but not nearly as nicely as Halliburton.) And the money we'll save by leaving Iraq will pay for this many times over.

Oh, and another thing. Don't try to 'reach across the aisle' on this one, sir. You'll just get your hand slapped again. (Man, haven't you learned?)

So, let's get this party started. Are you with me, Mr. President? Think of the children. Think of 5 million people having money to shop. Think of a stimulated economy. Think of the next election. (You do like the job, don't you?)

Are you with me now?