Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

As a public service to you, our dear reader, TJOW offers two stories that caught our attention this week. Two stories, frankly, we clearly should have anticipated. Indeed, given that we pride ourselves on having a reasonable grasp on how people behave at work, we should have known that these events would occur. And while we can offer the defense of being preoccupied with the needs of our clients, the New Year (L'shana tovah!), and a pennant race, it humbles us to admit that we did not foresee either development.

Forgive us, please. We won't let it happen again.

Let us begin with plans to enhance airplane seating. Here, 'enhance' is used very loosely.

As reported in USA Today, a new seat is being considered for commercial aircraft. The SkyRider, fashioned after a saddle, would have passengers sit at an angle with no more than 23 inches between their seat and the one in front of them. Designed by the Italian airline seating firm Avioninteriors, the seats, according to Dominique Menoud, the company's director general are:

For flights anywhere from one to possibly even up to three hours ... this would be comfortable seating. The seat ... is like a saddle. Cowboys ride eight hours on their horses during the day and still feel comfortable in the saddle.

Right. Ever see how cowboys walk?

Thankfully, you won't find the seats on any airplane quite yet. But, you can be sure that most low-cost airlines will be looking into this option for cramming, er, packing, er, utilizing cabin space more effectively.

Ah, but that's not the only idea being floated to increase revenue on low-cost airlines. How about 'vertical seating'?

Talk about oxymoronic. Actually, talk about moronic.

What's vertical seating, you ask? Essentially standing room only. According to Stephen McNamara of European discount giant Ryanair, passengers “wouldn't be fully standing, they would have something like a stool to lean on or to sit on." The new 'seating' configuration, also being considered by China's Spring Air, could provide space for up to 50% more passengers and cut costs by 20%. Spring Air's spokesperson Zhang Wuan states that "It's just like bar stools. The safety belt is the most important thing. It will still be fastened around the waist." Wuan adds that European aircraft maker Airbus has told Spring Air its proposal could be implemented safely.

The concept is under review for flights up to 2 hours in length.

Ryanair, by the way, is the same airline that has proposed a toilet fee and a 'fat tax' for overweight passengers. The airline is moving forward on the first idea but is postponing the latter. (Too bad, as the 'fat tax' has potential.)

Other ideas have already been rejected, including 'horizontal seating'. Like any novel concept, this one also has drawbacks. Aside from the severe wrinkling and soiling of clothing, the inability to breathe, and the hardships encountered while attempting to use one's computer, this idea has been sent back for review. The reason? Our belief is that this space-efficient concept would significantly reduce in-flight sales of food and beverages. It's simply too hard to eat and drink in this position. Rest assured that once they figure out how we can eat and drink while sitting horizontally, there will be buyers for this concept, too.

Makes automobile and train travel sound more attractive every day, no?

Now, let's move to Camp Hope, the site of the 33 trapped Chilean miners. Here, among the families standing vigil for loved ones 2,300 feet below, as many as 5 wives have met women claiming to be their husband's mistresses. As reported in the Telegraph, the women were drawn to their men and to the compensation that awaits the significant other of each miner. The wife of one miner has apparently encountered four.

Why didn't we see this coming a mile away?

At some point soon we're told, each of the miners will have to designate a significant other for compensation purposes. Oh, the fun that's bound to provide.

Three images come immediately to mind:

1. Certain miners tunneling deeper underground.

2. Women -- both wives and mistresses -- using bulldozers to fill the rescue shafts being drilled.

3. Tunnels of Love, the new Fox reality television show from Chile.

We told you to be afraid.