They Call This Service?

To welcome the first week of March (what happened to January and February?), The Job of Work introduces a new feature: The Best and Worst of Customer Service. Let's begin with a recent, ill-fated call to Ticketmaster in search of undelivered tickets.

Ticketmaster Computer (TMC): Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. At Ticketmaster, service is a top priority. Please say your 11-digit order number.

TJOW: [Order number spoken.]

TMC: Thank you. Did you say 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?

TJOW: No.

TMC: Did you say 'no'?

TJOW: Yes.

TMC: Thank you. Is your order number 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?

TJOW: No.

TMC: Did you say 'no'?

TJOW: Yes.

TMC: Please enter your 11-digit order number.

TJOW: [Order number entered.]

TMC: Thank you. You entered 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J. Is this correct?

TJOW: Yes.

TMC: Did you say 'yes'?

TJOW: Yes.

TMC: Thank you. Please spell your last name.

TJOW: [Last name spelled orally.]

TMC: Did you say 'S-g-h-m-u-r'?

TJOW: No.

TMC: Did you say 'no'?

TJOW: Yes.

TMC: Thank you. Is your last name spelled S-g-h-m-u-r?

TJOW: No.

TMC: Did you say 'no'?

TJOW: Yes.

TMC: One moment, please, as we contact a Customer Service Representative.

[Recorded music. A pre-recorded voice says: Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. Service is a top priority. Please press '1' if you would like to participate in a customer service survey following your call. Otherwise, please hold. The estimated wait time is 9 minutes.

Recorded music continues. After sufficient time for the Ice Age to have begun and ended, a pre-recorded voice says: We are experiencing an unexpectedly high volume of calls. Your business is important to us. Please press '1' if you would like to participate in a customer service survey following your call. Otherwise, please hold. The estimated wait time is 6 minutes.

More recorded music. At about the 8-minute mark, during which time I've nearly forgotten why I called in the first place, a pre-recorded voice says: We are experiencing an unexpectedly high volume of calls. Your business is very important to us. At Ticketmaster, service is a top priority. The estimated wait time is 2 minutes.

Recorded music. After about a minute...]

TM Live Person (evidently from far, far away): Hello. My name is Rajid. Can you please tell me your 11-digit order number?

TJOW: 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J.

Rajid [speaks beyond slowly]: Did you say '1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?

TJOW: No. 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J, as in Jim.

Rajid: Thank you. [speaking very slowly] 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-G, as in gym?

TJOW: No. 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J, as in Jack or Jill.

Rajid: Thank you. But which is it? Jack or Jill?

TJOW: Sorry. Let's say Jack.

Rajid: Oh, excuse me. Jack and Jill both begin with 'J'. I see. So, your order number is 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J.

TJOW: Yes!

Rajid: Thank you. Can you please spell your last name?

TJOW: If I must. [Spoken slowly, with as much clarity as entirely possible.]

Rajid: Thank you. S-c-h-m-u-r?

TJOW: No. It's an 'N' as in Nancy, not an 'M'.

Rajid: Sorry. So it's S-c-h-m-n-u-r?

TJOW: No, sorry. It's S-c-h-N-u-r. 'N' as in Nancy. There's no 'M'.

Rajid: Thank you. S-c-h-n-u-r. Is that correct?

TJOW: Yes!

Rajid: That's an unusual name. There don't seem to be enough vowels. Do people have a difficult time saying and spelling your name?

TJOW: [Tongue bitten beyond recognition. After a pause...] Only some.

Rajid: Well, it is unusual. One moment, please, as I pull up your order.

[The sound of long-distance static. A lengthy silence.]

TJOW: Rajid, are you still there?

Rajid: Yes, I am . I am reviewing your order. It seems that you have purchased 4 tickets to a baseball game between the San Francisco Giants and the Texas Rangers in Arizona. Is that correct?

TJOW: Yes.

Rajid: Thank you. How may I help you?

TJOW: The tickets have not yet arrived.

Rajid: I see that they were printed in January and mailed on January 9th.

TJOW: That may be, but I have not yet received them.

Rajid: They were sent by regular mail.

TJOW: It's been more than 6 weeks. Even by our standards, that is a very long time.

Rajid: Yes, that is true. It is a long time. But they have been mailed.

TJOW: Yes, and they have not yet arrived. Can they be reprinted or can you e-mail them to me?

Rajid: [Distracted.] This is odd. Why is there a baseball game between the San Francisco Giants and the Texas Rangers in Arizona? San Francisco and Texas are not in Arizona, are they?

TJOW: No, they are not. Before baseball season begins, teams practice by playing exhibition games. It's called Spring Training. These teams, along with many others, play in Arizona where the weather is warm, even during this time of year.

Rajid: Thank you. Very interesting. And you are going to a game there?

TJOW: That's the hope. But only if I get the tickets I bought from you.

Rajid: Yes, that is true. You will need tickets to enter the arena. Unfortunately, I cannot help you. I will have to transfer you to our Customer Service Assistance Center.

TJOW: Isn't this Customer Service.

Rajid: It is, but not the Customer Service Assistance Center. I will transfer you now. Have a good day, Mr. Shanur, and thank you for calling Ticketmaster.

[Call transferred. Recorded music. A pre-recorded voice says: Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. Service is a top priority. Please press '1' if you would like to participate in a customer service survey following your call. Otherwise, please hold. The estimated wait time is 3 minutes. After nearly that time...]

Ticketmaster Computer (TMC): Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. At Ticketmaster, service is a top priority. Please say your 11-digit order number.

TJOW: [Order number spoken very slowly and deliberately.]

TMC: Thank you. Did you say 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?

That's when I hung up.

Have precious examples of terrific and/or excruciatingly painful customer service? Send them to us and we'll print the best. In the meantime, have a wonderful week.

(And, by the way, if you listen closely you can hear the sweet, sweet sound of baseballs hitting bats. I hope I'll be able to muster the patience to try Ticketmaster again. I do want to see that game.)

Letters

Whatever happened to the lost art of letter writing? Not a lengthy e-mail, mind you, but the act of putting a real pen to real paper; scribing full, thoughtful sentences in, possibly, an elegant script; expressing thoughts, emotions and desires; rereading it to ensure spelling and punctuation are correct and that thoughts are fully drawn (all essential to the true letter-writing artist); signing it; sealing it in an addressed envelope (kiss optional); attaching a postage stamp and dropping your creation in a real-life mail box.

No keyboard, no spell-check, no electronics, no 'Send' key. And no maximum of 140 characters.

Definitely no nausea-inducing, egocentric, this-is-how-we-stay-in-touch-with-our-dearest-friends-and-family Christmas-, New Year's- or Valentine Day, 'Loving Friends and Family, What a year it's been!' mass communique describing in painful detail your and your family's highlights, low-lights, dim-lights and all lights in between since a year ago when you last kept in close personal touch -- because Lord knows there wasn't even one lousy minute to call or write during the entire friggin' year -- with 'cherished friends and family' by sending one of those dreadful, make-me-gag, overly-indulgent, self-aggrandizing chronicles that may even include, kill me now!, your favorite book, your favorite movie, even your favorite recipe from the entire past year, that you couldn't spare the time or expend the enormous energy even to sign, much less personalize in any way whatsoever. Definitely not one of those. That's not a letter, even if it does come via snail mail. That's an affront.

(Whew. I knew I hated those, but didn't realize how much. I feel better already, thanks for asking.)

Instead, something warm, something personal. Your hand holding a writing instrument, your brain and heart creating a unique and thoughtful message to someone worthy of the effort and emotion. On paper, in your style.

A real-deal letter. Old school but, without doubt, special.

(Two points for anyone who can name the artist who painted the piece at right, "Lady Writing a Letter With Her Maid".)

So, whatever happened to writing letters? No time, no patience, no interest? Too last century? No need, especially when there's a slew of electronic alternatives? Or, possibly, do we not connect the same way with the special people in our lives?

We here at TJOW think it's likely a combination of all of the above. We do tend to run fast, with far too little time for ourselves. We do show little patience for and interest in introspection. We do have a plethora of electronic options -- all much faster and easier -- than writing and we do appear to prefer the convenience they offer: Short, rapid-fire, staccato, cursory connections requiring little effort. And, possibly, little thought.

Maybe our use of electronics is akin to the days in which drummers were used to communicate with neighboring villages. A clean and effective way to send brief, simple messages. And perhaps writing a letter -- a good letter -- is like the rich, textured, multi-layered sound of a symphony, where each sentence, each paragraph creates a warmth and depth far beyond the capacity of even the most brilliant drummer.

But, most importantly, it's likely that we're simply not that interested -- or practiced -- in expressing ourselves in meaningful ways to those we care most about. Our lifestyle, our modes of communication, our pace conspire to create a superficiality that undermines or, worse, precludes real connections. We avoid stopping -- or even slowing -- to smell the coffee. We are more comfortable when we're running fast and hard than when we are at rest. As many have admitted privately, maintaining a frantic lifestyle is a requirement for success.

Hardly a surprise, then, that Twitter is so popular. Who has time for more than 140 characters?

Our response? You do. Or, at the very least, you should. Start easy. Write a note to someone. A paragraph or two about how you're doing, how life is truly unfolding. Share something important about yourself and about your feelings for the person you're writing to. Sign it. And before you can second-guess yourself, mail it.

As you walk from the mailbox, know that in a day or two someone important to you will experience the warmth that only real friendship can provide. Know that you've touched someone in a lovely, heartfelt way.

Old school, to be sure. But so very sweet.

What a Week

As weeks go, this last one was amazing. And, no, we are not referring to a certain football game, botched national anthem, an endearing Darth Vader commercial, Chrysler's moving tribute to Detroit or how the television profanity police somehow overlooked a certain MINI ad. (Do tell us, though, why the NFL halftime producers insist year after year on people feigning spontaneous enthusiasm for and 'dancing' at the feet of whichever band they've hired for the Big Show. Those dancers, if you dare to look closely, could be the children -- or grandchildren -- of the band. NFL: Forget bands at halftime. Go with Frisbee-catching dogs instead. Please.)

No, we're not talking Super Bowl. We're talking something much more powerful, something truly historic. Something we may never again see in our lifetime. We're talking two successful fights for freedom. We're talking Egypt and the birth of South Sudan.

Let's begin in Cairo's Tahrir Square (shown here before and during the demonstrations), where tens of thousands came together largely peacefully and in a mere 18 days -- 18 days! -- toppled the 30-year regime of Hosni Mubarak. An event of astounding proportion.

A number of elements stand out for us, including:

• The relative lack of bloodshed

• The army providing safety to the protesters

• Mubarak's eventual resignation from office, and

• The controlled, Army-led, constitutionally-defined deconstruction of the government.

As revolutions go, this one has to find its way into the all-time top 10. A 30-year regime deposed peacefully in 18 days. And while the comparison may not be completely fair, it took millions of people in dozens of marches and protests over too many years to accelerate our country's departure from Vietnam. (To be fair, it may have been the North Vietnamese who, more than the protesters, hastened our withdrawal from their civil war. Even so, we'd like to think the millions of protesters had something, anything, to do with the end of that war.)

In Egypt, no bloodbath. No destruction. No pitched battles (though Mubarak's supporters certainly tried). No body counts. Eighteen days. A dictator ousted. In the Middle East. Who could have possibly seen this coming?

What moved us though, truly moved us, was not the speed or success of the Tahrir Square protest. Instead, what captured our imagination and our heart was the passion and commitment the Egyptians showed for a free Egypt. Risking everything to be free. Taking the streets to demand the right to live life unencumbered by an all-controlling regime. Coming together to create an Egypt in their image, one that might fulfill their dreams. As a people. This is what moved us.

While we're watching football and a goofy halftime show they were in the streets demonstrating for and winning a free Egypt. Not a fair comparison, to be sure, but a comparison nevertheless.

The road for the Egyptians will be a long and arduous one. The consolidation of power under the military, the disbanding of Parliament, the suspension of their Constitution and elections in six months. Opportunity for disaster at every turn. Yet, we at TJOW offer our respect from afar for the courage exhibited by those who risked it all for a free homeland. You've taught the world what shared passion and commitment can accomplish. Please keep teaching, as this is a lesson we've not yet mastered.

Also last week, a referendum for freedom was held in Sudan and the result will be the globe's newest country. Another astounding story of courage and conviction. With 98.8% of the region's 4 million inhabitants voting in favor of secession, people in the southern portion of this civil war-torn land stood up, stood together, and declared their desire to govern themselves, to live in peace. And in July their dream will be realized: South Sudan.

Another people risking it all for freedom, here in the face of on-going brutality and near-incomprehensible murder and destruction.

In many ways, the events observed in southern Sudan are even more monumental than those witnessed in Egypt. While the Egyptians were fighting for freedom, the Sudanese were fighting for their very lives, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Their public referendum to secede from the country came after years of unimaginable, systematic slaughter -- bloodshed that hasn't ceased following the vote. (Darfur is only part of the story.) The ability of the south Sudanese to stand together with courage, determination, and perseverance in the face of death is awe inspiring and a lesson for us all. We at TJOW applaud you.

South Sudan. Proudly coming to a map near you in July.

[Interested in the plight of the Sudanese? Consider Dave Eggers brilliant 2007 book, What Is The What, the autobiography of Valentino Achak Deng and his walk across southern Sudan to safety. Read it. You won't forget it.]

An amazing week. People standing together in large numbers -- some in the face of violence -- to win what they'd never win on their own. Courage, passion and new-found freedom nearly everywhere you look. Maybe we're on a roll.

Match.com (without the dot com)

Meeting people -- especially potential love interests -- can be brutal. In this age of social networking, electronic connectivity, and mass communication it is, not ironically, very difficult to find people worthy of attention and who might find you of interest. Something about that mutual attraction and compatibility thing that makes the challenge so great.

Talk to any single friend and you'll hear the same tale of woe: Finding interesting people is difficult. Finding interesting people who are also attractive is even harder. Dating is a bitch.

It's all so depressing.

Your single friends will also tell you that the options for the love-starved are incredibly limited and quickly exhausted. Some border on desperation. Their choices:

• Pursue someone at work? Danger at every turn, to be sure. Policies may prevent dating someone in the workplace, the likelihood of privacy is zero (don't kid yourself), and the potential break-up could make for a messy and incredibly awkward day-to-day existence. And don't even consider your boss. It won't work.
  

• Frequent bars? A viable option, if an alcoholic is what you seek.

• Join an on-line dating service? Certainly possible, given the ever-increasing availability of such sites. Match.com, perfectmatch.com (for those over 40), eHarmony.com, DateHookup.com, Chemistry.com, Yahoo! Personals, Lavalife.com, Singlesnet.com, Matchmaker.com, and Date.com to name a few. (Yenta.com, MyMotherWouldLoveYou.com, nodatesfromhell.com, and cuteandcanreadtoo.com are undoubtedly soon to follow.) These services are safe, allowing you to shop from the comfort and anonymity of home. The problem, though, begins when you actually decide to try to meet someone -- never knowing whether the 2-dimensional description matches the 3-dimensional reality of the individual, if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do. By the way, who doesn't love long walks on the beach at sunset?
  

• Participate in activities to meet like-minded people? Take a class, get involved in a social-action organization, volunteer for a worthy cause, join a sports league. These are just a number of viable possibilities. The upsides are many; the downside is that it requires time. It's also old school which, for many, relegates this option to the bottom of the barrel, largely because 'it's how my parents met'. (Don't even begin to try to point out the irony. I mean, really. Why do anything that worked for them?)

• Blind dates? Like an on-line service, without the hope of reliable information. And beware the classic watch-outs: "She's got such a great personality." "He's nice-looking, if hair isn't your thing." "Some college is better than no college, right?" "The therapy has definitely made a difference." "Relationships are challenging for lots of people." Remember, there's a reason it's called a blind date.
  

• Speed dating? Reeks of desperation and potential humiliation. Probably requires copious amounts of alcohol (or other depressants) prior to the event and certainly afterward. That said, could be fun and productive. More likely, though, to be horrific. ("You're a Libra!? Fantastic!") Tell us we're wrong.
  

• Wait for the phone to ring, aka, who needs love? Relationships can be difficult. They certainly take energy, patience, and strength. Overrated, to be sure. Let others suffer. I've got my flat-screen TV, the 'net, and my Xbox. I'm good.

We get it. We at TJOW share your pain. We know the challenges, the difficulties, the frustrations of trying to find friendship, a relationship, love. We've walked in your shoes (but not the really pointy ones).

And we have a solution. Because no challenge -- whether organizational, societal or galactic -- is too big for us. That's who we are and what we do.

So, we thought, what's so hard about seeking a relationship? While there are hardships, the first, most obvious is that we don't know who is seeking a relationship. Picture yourself in a cafe. That person two tables over. Is he seeking a relationship? The woman across the room. Is she seeking a relationship? And if either or both are, what might type of relationship might each be seeking? Same sex? Opposite sex? Both?

Let's solve this problem.

Introducing HeartOnMySleeve! HeartOnMySleeve (patent pending) is a novel, low-tech, inexpensive and highly-effective solution to the age-old question: Is he/she looking for love and, if so, what kind? HeartOnMySleeve is a set of elegant silicone wrist bands in an array of vivid colors that says 'Yes! I'm looking for love!' and, tactfully, 'Here's what I'm looking for.'

Available for a relationship? Fabulous. Wear the green bracelet. Looking for a same-sex relationship but would consider alternatives? Terrific. Add the purple bracelet. Have a passion for literature? Lovely. Add the pink bracelet.

Other colors signify interests in politics (red, blue, tea), religion, outdoor activity, sports, movies, even long walks on the beach at sunset (sand, of course) -- just about any interest you might have or want to claim you have.

HeartOnMySleeve says it all for you. No longer need you guess about whether she might be in search of a relationship. No longer must you stumble about as you try to find out if he's available. No need for lame pick-up lines. HeartOnMySleeve eliminates the uncertainty and guesswork and replaces them with confidence and clarity.

Developing a relationship is still yours to do, but the awkwardness that characterizes most first conversations is a thing of the past. The HeartOnMySleeve bracelets tell your story, right there on your sleeve, er, wrist. And brightly, too.

Select the appropriate wrist bands and get out there and meet someone! Your parents will be thrilled you did.

Available soon in geometric shapes for the color blind. Packaged in an attractive leather pouch with 45 one-size-fits-all color-coded bracelets and instruction manual, HeartOnMySleeve is the solution you've been looking for. Watch for it on The Shopping Channel. Only three easy payments of $49.95.