Ticketmaster Computer (TMC): Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. At Ticketmaster, service is a top priority. Please say your 11-digit order number.
TJOW: [Order number spoken.]
TMC: Thank you. Did you say 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?
TJOW: No.
TMC: Did you say 'no'?
TJOW: Yes.
TMC: Thank you. Is your order number 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?
TJOW: No.
TMC: Did you say 'no'?
TJOW: Yes.
TMC: Please enter your 11-digit order number.
TJOW: [Order number entered.]
TMC: Thank you. You entered 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J. Is this correct?
TJOW: Yes.
TMC: Did you say 'yes'?
TJOW: Yes.
TMC: Thank you. Please spell your last name.
TJOW: [Last name spelled orally.]
TMC: Did you say 'S-g-h-m-u-r'?
TJOW: No.
TMC: Did you say 'no'?
TJOW: Yes.
TMC: Thank you. Is your last name spelled S-g-h-m-u-r?
TJOW: No.
TMC: Did you say 'no'?
TJOW: Yes.
TMC: One moment, please, as we contact a Customer Service Representative.
[Recorded music. A pre-recorded voice says: Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. Service is a top priority. Please press '1' if you would like to participate in a customer service survey following your call. Otherwise, please hold. The estimated wait time is 9 minutes.
Recorded music continues. After sufficient time for the Ice Age to have begun and ended, a pre-recorded voice says: We are experiencing an unexpectedly high volume of calls. Your business is important to us. Please press '1' if you would like to participate in a customer service survey following your call. Otherwise, please hold. The estimated wait time is 6 minutes.More recorded music. At about the 8-minute mark, during which time I've nearly forgotten why I called in the first place, a pre-recorded voice says: We are experiencing an unexpectedly high volume of calls. Your business is very important to us. At Ticketmaster, service is a top priority. The estimated wait time is 2 minutes.
Recorded music. After about a minute...]
TM Live Person (evidently from far, far away): Hello. My name is Rajid. Can you please tell me your 11-digit order number?
TJOW: 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J.
Rajid [speaks beyond slowly]: Did you say '1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?
TJOW: No. 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J, as in Jim.
Rajid: Thank you. [speaking very slowly] 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-G, as in gym?
TJOW: No. 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J, as in Jack or Jill.
Rajid: Thank you. But which is it? Jack or Jill?
TJOW: Sorry. Let's say Jack.
Rajid: Oh, excuse me. Jack and Jill both begin with 'J'. I see. So, your order number is 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-J.
TJOW: Yes!
Rajid: Thank you. Can you please spell your last name?
TJOW: If I must. [Spoken slowly, with as much clarity as entirely possible.]
Rajid: Thank you. S-c-h-m-u-r?
TJOW: No. It's an 'N' as in Nancy, not an 'M'.
Rajid: Sorry. So it's S-c-h-m-n-u-r?TJOW: No, sorry. It's S-c-h-N-u-r. 'N' as in Nancy. There's no 'M'.
Rajid: Thank you. S-c-h-n-u-r. Is that correct?
TJOW: Yes!
Rajid: That's an unusual name. There don't seem to be enough vowels. Do people have a difficult time saying and spelling your name?
TJOW: [Tongue bitten beyond recognition. After a pause...] Only some.
Rajid: Well, it is unusual. One moment, please, as I pull up your order.
[The sound of long-distance static. A lengthy silence.]
TJOW: Rajid, are you still there?
Rajid: Yes, I am . I am reviewing your order. It seems that you have purchased 4 tickets to a baseball game between the San Francisco Giants and the Texas Rangers in Arizona. Is that correct?
TJOW: Yes.
Rajid: Thank you. How may I help you?
TJOW: The tickets have not yet arrived.
Rajid: I see that they were printed in January and mailed on January 9th.
TJOW: That may be, but I have not yet received them.
Rajid: They were sent by regular mail.
TJOW: It's been more than 6 weeks. Even by our standards, that is a very long time.
Rajid: Yes, that is true. It is a long time. But they have been mailed.
TJOW: Yes, and they have not yet arrived. Can they be reprinted or can you e-mail them to me?
Rajid: [Distracted.] This is odd. Why is there a baseball game between the San Francisco Giants and the Texas Rangers in Arizona? San Francisco and Texas are not in Arizona, are they?
TJOW: No, they are not. Before baseball season begins, teams practice by playing exhibition games. It's called Spring Training. These teams, along with many others, play in Arizona where the weather is warm, even during this time of year.
Rajid: Thank you. Very interesting. And you are going to a game there?
TJOW: That's the hope. But only if I get the tickets I bought from you.
Rajid: Yes, that is true. You will need tickets to enter the arena. Unfortunately, I cannot help you. I will have to transfer you to our Customer Service Assistance Center.
TJOW: Isn't this Customer Service.
Rajid: It is, but not the Customer Service Assistance Center. I will transfer you now. Have a good day, Mr. Shanur, and thank you for calling Ticketmaster.
[Call transferred. Recorded music. A pre-recorded voice says: Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. Service is a top priority. Please press '1' if you would like to participate in a customer service survey following your call. Otherwise, please hold. The estimated wait time is 3 minutes. After nearly that time...]
Ticketmaster Computer (TMC): Thank you for calling Ticketmaster. At Ticketmaster, service is a top priority. Please say your 11-digit order number.
TJOW: [Order number spoken very slowly and deliberately.]
TMC: Thank you. Did you say 1-1-3-5-6-8-0-9-1-3-A?
That's when I hung up.
Have precious examples of terrific and/or excruciatingly painful customer service? Send them to us and we'll print the best. In the meantime, have a wonderful week.(And, by the way, if you listen closely you can hear the sweet, sweet sound of baseballs hitting bats. I hope I'll be able to muster the patience to try Ticketmaster again. I do want to see that game.)
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