You Call This Evolution?

I used to have more hair.

There are two things that truly bother me about this fact:

First, that I used to have more hair and now I have less. That's definitely bothersome.

A distant second, that I don't understand how hair loss figures in when one considers Darwin's Theory of Evolution.

Having less hair is disadvantageous, genetically speaking. So, you'd expect (read: I'd expect) that folliclely-challenged individuals would have evolved physical and/or cognitive traits to counter-balance this deficiency and, as a result, improve their ability to survive. Either that, or you wouldn't find an abundance of people with little or no hair on their heads.

On a related point, it seems only fair, don't you think? If you can't grow hair, you should be able to do something better in exchange. I mean, really.

Okay, the assumption here is that having less hair is, indeed, an evolutionary disadvantage. Argue as you might, I say that it is. Which is only appropriate, because I'm the expert of me.

This is how I figure it: Having little or no hair on one's head significantly decreases one's chances to procreate. If given the choice, all things being completely equal, there is absolutely no doubt that women would choose the thick-haired version of the dude over the 'egg-shell blonde' version of that same guy. I know I would. And that's what counts.

Unless that guy is Sean Connery. Hair or no hair, Sean's got it going.

Given this logic, I'm lucky that my sons were conceived while hair was still a significant part of my scalp. Otherwise, they'd be toast.

One might say -- certainly not me -- that having less hair won't impair your ability to live longer. I say, in retort, life might just seem longer. You try looking hip and cool with less hair. It's a bitch.

Back to evolution. According to my reading of Darwin, I should have developed some skills or abilities to counteract the effect of my diminished hair-growing prowess. Makes perfect sense to me. So I ask: Where are these powers?

My memory hasn't improved. I can't run faster or longer. I can't shoot a crossbow any better than I used to (having never actually touched one is beside the point). I'm not funnier (assuming I even qualify as 'funny') or taller or stronger or a better dancer. I can't play trombone or the piano more melodically. I can't throw or hit a baseball farther. I have developed the ability to gain weight much more readily, possibly because I can eat heartily and drink to near-excess while rationalizing brilliantly the avoidance of exercise. But I don't put that in the 'increased survival abilities' column. I put that in the 'You Are Such An Idiot' category.

And, no, wearing a hat full-time is not a viable option, nor is the comb over. Ever.

So while my hair-growing abilities have dwindled, sadly I have nothing new to show for it. Nothing that would make having less hair even somewhat palatable.

This is terribly disappointing. And, frankly, totally unfair.

Just ask anyone attempting to deal with the same thing.

Anyone, that is, except Sean.

(Note to Tea Partiers and others who can't quite grasp the notion that both evolution and God can coexist: In your next life, try avoiding extended periods of oxygen deprivation. Just a thought.)