There's (Not) An App for That (Yet)

In a surprise only to my mother -- who thinks I should have won the award and has canceled her subscription as a result -- Steve Jobs was named 'CEO of the Decade' by Fortune Magazine this week.

Who better to honor, I wonder, as my iPod plays, my iPhone recharges (damn short battery, that), and I type this blog on a MacBook? And just because I touted Apple's use of its standard-setting vision statement to help the company outperform Microsoft in last week's blog doesn't mean in the least that I'm not impartial.

Actually, I'm not, but this isn't Fox News where you expect impartiality. This is my blog.

As I consider, as does Fortune, how Apple has changed how we listen to music, what we consider a 'telephone', and, most importantly, how we interact with technology, let's also give Apple credit for adding a new, useful expression to our language. Say it with me:

There's an app for that!

And app(lication)s there are! At last count, there were over 85,000 apps available for download. For those of you who are familiar with the amazing array of possibilities, you know that there are apps for just about everything -- each more mind-boggling than the next. Don't know the name of a song or who sang it? Don't know where you parked your car? Don't know the 3rd line in Act II of Othello? Don't know how to make the perfect margarita? Don't want to have to type (how terribly last century!) someone's contact info from their iPhone? Don't know who gives AAA discounts in this neighborhood? Don't know how to calculate a 15% tip? (Hey, you know who you are.)

Not to mention the games, the business apps, music apps, networking apps, news apps, cooking apps, language apps. And then there are apps that aren't free.

Check it out sometime. It's astounding.

But for all of the brilliance of the tens of thousands of apps, there's an important void in Apple's offerings. I feel it my duty to outline for you now how Apple's app development efforts are failing us, and failing us badly.

So, Mr. CEO of the Decade, consider dedicating some energy to these suggestions for new apps. If you really want to change the world, here's how to do it.

• Not Again, You Fool! (Icon: Mother-type wagging a finger) So as to prevent embarrassment, app warns you verbally -- 'Don't do it again, you fool!' -- when you're about to repeat a bone-headed, idiotic thing you've done before. Ignoring the warning leads app to scream 'You idiot! Didn't I tell you not to do that?'
  

• I Can't Believe I Just Said That (Icon: Glenn Beck) App provides small electric shock to user when a truly stupid, insensitive, and/or inflammatory thing is said in public. (Warning: For some, app may cause rapid decline in iPhone's battery life.)

• Furlough Calculator (Icon: Coins falling through fingers) App calculates personal impact on weekly, monthly and annual salary of having to take furlough days. Advanced version calculates impact on retirement benefits.
  

• Corporate-speak (Icon: Man laughing hard) App translates memos and other corporate communication pieces into English. An initiative is underway to explore the potential efficiency gains of a shared services model. becomes You and your job are toast. (Non-English versions soon to be available.)

• Tell The Truth (Icon: Unidentifiable person holding mirror up to user) While holding iPhone, app provides mild vibration when a full truth is not being communicated. Text of 'the truth' is shown on screen. Vibrations turn to electric shocks if text on screen is not read aloud. Example: "Your performance at work this last year has been good." will, when appropriate, become "I'm a wimp and haven't told you the truth about your work. It sucks." Federal approval for use in relationships is pending.

• You Call That Service? (Icon: Woman being ignored while seated at table) App provides a dozen choice expressions in English, French, Spanish and an array of Asian languages for use when appropriate service is not rendered. User selects desired expression and language and taps screen. Expression is played sufficiently loud for target individual to hear. User makes point but is not identified as speaker. Additional expressions available for download, though proof of age is required. Particularly useful on airplanes and at just about any cafe in Paris.

• I Was Listening! (Icon: Man facing woman, her hands on hips) App assists user in recalling what was said in a previous conversation. Appropriate detail is shown on screen. App particularly useful in assisting in the recall of dates, times, names, clothing worn, and upcoming appointments. App not yet able to determine answers if discussion never occurred, despite absolute conviction of other party.

• You're Okay, You Really Are (Icon: Stuart Smalley) App provides verbal uplifting reminders to user that "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me." Frequency of reminders determined by user. App intended for those in the throes of a difficult job search.

Have any suggestions for apps you'd like to see? Take your best shot in the comments section below.

So, get to it, Steve. Time's awastin'.