Broken Promises

Unlike the George Clooney character in Up In The Air, I have no burning need to amass 10 million frequent flyer miles. From time to time, however, I am interested in exchanging my hard-earned miles for free flights. After all, that's the promise the airlines make with us, right? We fly on their planes and in exchange for our 'loyalty' they 'reward' us with free flights. The more we fly, the more we can fly free.

Not only that, but the more we fly, and as we move up the frequent flyer ranks, the more niceties the airlines provide. Fly a boat-load of miles on one airline and they'll likely provide a shorter line through security, earlier boarding -- sometimes on special carpeting! -- the possibility of upgrades, and even a 'private' customer service phone number with agents who actually refer to you by name. Not to mention the elegant frequent flyer ID card you're awarded and, often, cool luggage tags! (Anyone need 10 sets of luggage tags?) Southwest even sends a birthday card each year. Spend a fortune on an airline and you'll feel the love.

All in all, a sweet deal.

Until that times arrives -- and surely it will -- when you have the audacity, the impetuosity, the completely irrational desire to do the unthinkable. You know of what I speak. Yes, that moment when you want to cash in some of those miles for a free flight.

That's when the wheels come off. In a big way.

Studies have documented the level of stress humans experience during key life cycle events. I am not aware, however, of any studies that have quantified and ranked the level of frustration we commonly endure while attempting to deal with customer service representatives by industry. My guess is that on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 = No Frustration Whatsoever and 10 = I'm Thinking of Killing This Idiot, attempting to exchange frequent flyer miles for a free trip is, thank you This Is Spinal Tap, an 11.

The experience I've had over the last couple of years is so very consistent -- regardless of airline -- that it suggests, at least to me, that the nice people who serve as customer service reps receive special and identical training throughout the industry on how to deal with requests for free travel. If so, I think the training would look something like this.

Trainer

Welcome back from lunch. This afternoon, we'll turn our attention to requests for free travel. This is a very important component of your training. As travelers amass hundreds of millions of frequent flyer miles, our customers will be increasingly interested in exchanging those miles for free travel. It's your job to provide wonderful service and, simultaneously, do everything possible to avoid saying 'Yes'. I mean, really. How can your airline afford to give away so many free trips? [Laughter. Nodding of heads throughout the room.]

Let's see how this works. Please open your binder to Section 3: Never Say 'No' -- But Never, Ever Say 'Yes'! Please read scenario 1. [Pause.] Good. Now let's practice.

You've just received a call from a Super Duper Supreme Elite Flyer, your airline's highest frequent flyer level. The individual would like 2 Business Class seats from San Francisco to London. I'll play the role of the flyer. Who would like to take her call? Great. Let's begin.

Customer Service Rep

Thank you for calling. How can I help you today, Ms. Bloomenstein?

Trainer

I'd like to use some of my frequent flier miles to book 2 Business Class seats from SFO to London Heathrow. I'd like to depart of May 2 and return on May 10.

Customer Service Rep

[Sounds of a keyboard.] On those dates, because of the short length of time before the flights, because the trip is less than 30 days in duration and because you'll be flying near a national holiday and over a nation monument, each seat will require 125,000 miles. Yes, you have more than enough miles for these flights. Now let me check availability on the May 2 outbound flight. [Pause. More sounds of keyboard.] Hmm. [Another pause.] Unfortunately, I don't see any available seats on that flight.

Trainer

That flight is not for 11 months. And it's 125,000 miles? For each seat? For flying over a national monument? You've got to be kidding. But you say that there are no Business Class seats available? What about later that day?

Customer Service Rep

[More keyboard tapping.] Let me check. [Pause. Keyboard tapping.] Actually, there are no seats of any kind available for free travel on that day.

Trainer

Nothing? You have 3 flights on that day and there's nothing on any flight? Not even in Coach?

Customer Service Rep

[Keyboard tapping.] Very sorry, but no. There's nothing available.

Trainer

[Dejectedly.] Can you please check the return?

Customer Service Rep

Absolutely! [Pause. Tapping.] I'm so sorry, but there's nothing available on those flights either. Nothing in Business and nothing in Coach.

Trainer

Nothing? Nothing at all on either day? But I must be in London on May 5 for a very important family event.

Customer Service Rep

Let me see what I can do, Ms. Bloomenstein. Can I put you on hold for a moment?

Trainer

[To student.] A very nice touch! Hitting your keyboard at random gives the impression that you're actually looking at seat availability on your monitor. And putting someone on hold usually makes someone believe that you're doing something so involved that you need complete concentration or even the help of one of your colleagues. Like that would happen! [Laughter.] Very nicely done. By the way, have you taken this class before? Regardless, you're a natural.

Okay, let's get back to it.

Customer Service Rep

Thank you for holding, Ms. Bloomenstein. I think we're in luck. We can put you on a May 3 flight from San Francisco to Salt Lake City, where you'll have an easy 2-hour layover, then a connection to Chicago, a stopover in Frankfurt and a non-stop from there to London Gatwick, arriving on the morning of May 5. For the return, we have you departing London Heathrow on the afternoon of May 5, flying to Orlando, a stopover and a 3-hour layover in Dallas , and then connecting to a flight to San Jose, California. Unfortunately, there's only 1 seat on the Dallas - San Jose flight. [Triumphantly.] Shall I book this for you?

Trainer

[Exasperated.] That's the best you can do? You realize, of course, that I'd arrive in London on May 5 in the morning and leave the same day? Do you also realize that you have me departing from San Francisco and returning to San Jose? Those two airports are 30 miles apart. And, you say that there's only 1 seat on the return flight from Dallas? How is this all supposed to work?

Customer Service Rep

Did I mention that the outbound flight to Salt Lake City is in Business Class? One seat, anyway. Amazing that we could get that!

Trainer

This is ridiculous. After all of the flights I've taken on this airline. Okay. [With resignation.] Are there any alternatives?

Customer Service Rep

Well, Ms. Bloomenstein, we do have Business Class seats available on your travel dates for purchase. By booking these seats now, you'd receive 10,000 frequent flyer miles, plus a 5,000 bonus for flying Business, plus a 2,500 bonus because of your elite status with us. That's per seat. And if you use our airline's credit card, you'd receive an additional 10,000 bonus miles. Together, that's 45,000 miles, Ms. Bloomenstein! Which is nearly enough for a free flight anywhere in the continental United States. In Coach, of course, and black-out dates do apply. [Enthusiastically.] Shall I book the flights for you?

Trainer

[To Student.] Simply marvelous! You never said 'No'. You gave the customer a choice that she turned down. And, brilliantly, you brought her full-circle, eventually selling her the two seats she originally wanted for free! She remains a devoted customer and you've added to your sales quota. Very, very nicely done.

Customer Service Rep

Thank you. But I forgot to ask her if she'd participate in our Customer Service Survey.

Trainer

True. Don't worry. Perfection comes with time and practice. Now let's turn to Section 4: Pretending to Be the Supervisor (When an Irate Customer Asks to Talk to One)...