Otis Was Right

Welcome back. We hope your weekend was a good one. Ours, on the other hand, was especially difficult given our passion -- idiotic and unrequited as it might be -- for the San Francisco Giants, the California Golden Bears and the San Francisco 49ers. If you're a sports fan (like these guys from Chicago), you know of what we speak.

Which of course makes me wonder aloud why most of us are locked into being fans of certain teams. We know for fact that our hearts are going to be ripped painfully from our body on an annual basis, if not more regularly. Why can't we become fans of teams we know will have a higher probability of winning? Are we somehow unable to control or change allegiances due to an obscure genetic flaw? Or, perhaps, is there something else in play here? Something that transcends inflexibility and genetics? Are we, gasp, fools?

No need to answer. The pain screams, "Yes, of course! You're an idiot!"

Speaking of something we can control, let's return to the topic we broached a couple of weeks ago: Our prediction that many top performers will consider leaving their current jobs for other companies as the economy begins to improve. And, critically, what to do to help prevent this impending exodus.

Let's make a few assumptions:

1. You're an enlighted leader -- even if you only lead a few people.

2. You're interested in keeping your top performers in your organization rather than having them defect to a competitor.

3. You've got credibility.

4. You have no line item in your budget for "retaining top performers".

If any of these are not true, please get in touch immediately. We've got work to do.

For the remainder of you, the following steps should be effective in lowering the number of people who will elect to leave you for greener pastures as the economy improves. Please note that none of these ideas cost a penny and all can be implemented immediately. That said, don't hesitate to get in touch if we can be of any help.

• Speak the absolute truth about the state of your company. You're being judged daily on your ability to step up to the plate (oh, the pain of watching the Giants try to hit!) and provide honest information. For most, honesty = respect. And if you think you can withhold the truth, think again. Your company -- regardless of its size or geographic reach -- is a fish bowl. Everybody sees everything. So, be honest, even if the truth hurts.

• Show concern for the issues most are facing. Not since the Great Depression have things been this challenging economically. Everyone knows someone who has lost a job, lost a home, struggled to pay for the basics, and/or is scared about the future. Times are not good and to overlook this will suggest to many that you are insensitive, egocentric or simply daft. (Trust me, none of those are good attributes.) Ask regularly how things are at home. Check in with your people often to see if there is anything you or the company can do to help make things a bit less stressful. Make sure your people know you care. It's an intangible, but caring goes a very long way when people consider leaving a job for another.

• Define what 'top performance' looks like. When times get tough, insecurities emerge in many -- even among top performers. So, anticipating this and to counteract the potential debilitating effects of insecurity at work, discuss with your people what you expect of them and, in particular, how you define outstanding performance. Don't assume they know; take the time to ensure that they know how to move downfield and take the ball across the goal line. (Ugh, just when I was forgetting about the 49er game.) When times are uncertain, people become uncertain and a discussion of this type will help create the solid foundation many need during these times. It may also help improve the performance of your team. If you haven't had this conversation in the last 2 months, do it this week.

• Encourage people to leave work at a decent hour. Of the 4 main attributes of success -- ability, effort, task difficulty and luck -- only effort can we control. Thus, when times are hard and layoffs abound, many elect to increase their effort to improve their ability to perform and, even more importantly, to demonstrate their dedication to the job and the company. Alas, that discretionary effort rarely generates increased productivity. Indeed, in a comprehensive study we conducted at a telecommunications company some years ago, the only significant gain produced by a longer work day was...any guesses?... the number of pounds of coffee consumed in their cafeteria. And while any leader's heart will be warmed by the vision of the team working long hours, we strongly suggest that you encourage your people to leave work at a reasonable time and enjoy the rest of their day elsewhere. Your concern for that balanced work life we hear so much about will go a long way to instilling in your people the belief that your first priority is their well-being. (More on the benefits of a shorter work day/week next time.)

• Discuss career goals with everyone -- especially top performers. This is an ideal time to meet with every member of your team (that was not a sports analogy) to consider their career aspirations. Regardless of when HR tells you it's time to have this conversation, consider holding individual meetings now. One of the top reasons people leave companies is their dissatisfaction with their manager. Another top reason is the belief that career goals can be better met elsewhere. For this reason, talk with all of your people about their career goals and how you can help achieve them. If you haven't already done so, work with your people to develop a career plan. Becoming a partner in helping them achieve their career aspirations should undermine the interest many may have in looking for work elsewhere.

These may sound "soft" to some of you. Regardless, they are effective actions to help lower your turnover in the months ahead. And none cost a penny. Spend the time now to avoid the high cost later of losing your top people.

Our word isn't enough? Need some external validation? Consider the advice of Otis Redding. The dude could sing and he knew how to keep people around. (A bit of trivia: This is the song Crash tries to teach Nuke on the bus in Bull Durham.) (Sorry. That's my last reference to sports. Ever. Or until next weekend.)

Check it out and see you next week.

Really Bad Behavior

The plan for this week was to outline specific steps your company could take to recapture the hearts of your people and, ideally, keep them around for awhile as the economy rebounds. I know you haven't slept all week waiting breathlessly for a number of brilliant insights, useful ideas or even something that might work. But, as we all know, stuff happens and some of it requires immediate attention. So, please forgive me as I take a few minutes of your time to rant about bad behavior.

Because there's been a ton of it of late.

Let's start with Joe Wilson, a member of the House of Representatives, calling the President of the United States a liar during a joint session of Congress.

LaGarrette Blount, a football player, cold-cocking a rival after being taunted.

Kayne West, an entertainer, taking the microphone during an acceptance speech to tell everyone that the award recipient was not the rightful winner.

Serena Williams, a champion tennis player, describing to a line judge in graphic, anatomical terms where she was planning on inserting a tennis ball.

Then there's Glenn Beck, of Fox News, who accused President Obama of being "a racist".

Let's also give a shout out to selected districts in Texas, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Virginia and Wisconsin for electing not to show President Obama's speech to school children, saying that the speech was "Promoting a political agenda and overstepping the boundaries of Federal involvement in schools."

But the best, most amazing example of bad behavior goes to State Senator Steve Russell of Oklahoma who said of Obama before the President's speech to the school children of this country, "As far as I'm concerned, this is not civics education -- it gives the appearance of creating a cult of personality. This is something you'd expect to see in North Korea or in Saddam Hussein's Iraq."

A 'cult of personality'? Anyone, anywhere know what that is? And how might you expect to see that, whatever it is, in North Korea or in Saddam Hussein's Iraq? I didn't realize Russell was an expert in cults of personality, nor of North Korea or Iraq. Clearly, he's an educated man. I've simply got to get him to come over for dinner.

What's astounding is that all of this happened in the last few weeks. Taken together, it's an epidemic of truly atrocious behavior.

Maybe this is Swine Flu, if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do. If so, it seems to be contagious and quite virulent. (That means, medically speaking, 'highly infective, malignant or deadly'. Got that Senator, Congressman, and Glenn? Or should I write slower?)

The symptoms of this Swine Flu include:

• An absolute lack of common decency
• Espousing a position and claiming it as fact without concern for accuracy
• A self-centered, completely egotistical belief that you can say anything to anyone at anytime because of who you are
• Intentionally causing harm and/or embarrassment to another in public, and/or, given the opportunity,
• Demonstrating a complete disrespect for the Office of the President of the United States.

Too many big words for you, Joe, LaGarrette, Kayne, Serena, Glenn, Steve? Okay, let me say it in a way you can understand: It's being embarrassingly stupid, rude, and hurtful. And did I mention rude? In other, other words: Acting like a pig. In public.

Unfortunately, only LaGarrette has to pay the price for having Swine Flu, even after apologizing profusely. He's been suspended from his team for the year (an admirable move by the University of Oregon).

Given the way this country works, the rest have gotten hundreds of thousands of dollars of donations (Joe), plenty of publicity (Kayne, Serena, Steve), and the opportunity to continue speaking unabashedly and without substance to millions (Glenn).

And here's the kicker, making this spate of bad behavior even worse to swallow: There's a segment of our population that's clearly drawn to people who have Swine Flu. Maybe because they admire people who have it. Or, possibly, because they have it, too.

Regardless, it's been a bad few weeks but let's hope next week is better. Get your rest, drink plenty of liquids and avoid anyone who behaves badly. You wouldn't want to catch Swine Flu, would you? It's nasty. Just look at the people who have it.

As The Economy Turns

The stock market is rebounding, corporate profits are on the upswing (possibly due to the millions of people cut from the employment rolls), the financial services industry is stable (though credit, surprisingly, remains tight) and a number of economists have declared that the recession is over. Cautious optimism is beginning to find its way into business conversations.

So is it any wonder that many talented people who are currently gainfully employed are beginning to think seriously about bolting to another company? No, it's no surprise at all -- especially when you consider what many people have been put through by their employers during this difficult economic period.

Here are just a few things we hear in high volume:

• There's significantly more work for the same or less pay. As companies cut employees, little or no effort has been made to make commensurate reductions in the work load. As a result, survivors have been forced to pick up the slack. It's not at all uncommon to hear stories about the work week growing from 50 hours to 70 hours -- often with salaries frozen or reduced and bonus potentials cut or even fully eliminated.

• I have an idea about how to improve our processes and procedures, but don't think it's the right time to bring it up. When times get tough and companies cut staff, people often stop talking. Ideas -- especially those that might be seen to challenge the status quo or that might be seen as criticism -- may be withheld. As many employees see it, it's 'safer to keep one's head down' than it is to offer ideas. And when companies are in a staff reduction mode, many employees seek safety. Is it any wonder then that process improvements desperately needed in these times are typically unachieved?

• My company has been behaving badly. Inadequate communication, ineffective leadership and excessive 'contradictions' in the workplace (e.g., new policies not consistently applied, leadership not 'walking the talk', visible issues with accountability, etc.) have led many, especially top performing, high potential employees, to wonder aloud -- but not while at work -- about the integrity, ethics and values of their employer.

• Career growth opportunities have shrunk or vanished. Workforce reductions have resulted in significantly fewer promotions. Developmental assignments have also been impacted. The result: Far fewer opportunities to learn new skills and a curtailment of career advancement. Another result: Top performers wondering if their company is really the place for them long-term.

• I'm thankful to have a job, but I won't forget what my company has done to us. This, indeed, appears to be the bottom line for many employees: An understanding of the times, but a strong belief that cost-cutting and job loss could and should have been handled much differently.

What we're seeing, in sum, is the disenfranchisement of many in the workforce. This is a serious development, one that will have long-term implications for a large number of companies.

Indeed, there are two things we'll bet heavily on:

1. Your people won't soon forget; and,

2. Your top people -- those most able to find employment elsewhere -- are already beginning to think about opportunities elsewhere.

This is a bet we know, sadly, we'll win. Just one piece of anecdotal data to confirm this: The volume of mail we've received about job opportunities throughout the country has dramatically increased in the last few weeks alone. These inquiries are all from people with jobs. All are top people. Some are executives. And they all say about the same thing: "I've had it."

Next week: What actions to take to regain your people's hearts and, hopefully, they're willingness to continue to work for you.

Until then, a very happy and healthy New Year to those of you who know what I'm talking about.

Love's Labour's Lost (And Gained)

It's Labor Day and I trust you're spending the day recognizing and honoring the contributions made by the tens of millions who have built this country. You are, aren't you? I, for one, am instead wondering why the Florida Republican Party believes that Obama's upcoming address to the school children of this country will carry a 'Socialist agenda' and that health care for every American is somehow considered a left-wing Socialist pursuit. But Labor Day -- a day to honor the workers of America -- is not. Regardless. It's a beautiful day and let's hope that stores everywhere are filled with shoppers.

In keeping with the theme of Labor Day, let's consider one of the ubiquitous -- and largely mis- and/or under-utilized -- elements of the work place: The Employee Opinion Survey. This device, as you undoubtedly know, is designed to help an organization's management identify and understand the thoughts and opinions of its employees. Often constructed and analyzed by highly-educated and technically-trained experts (some of them brilliant, I might add in a glaringly transparent and self-serving way), employee opinion surveys can help leadership isolate issues that, if attended to successfully, can help improve the overall performance of the organization. The problem, though, is that most companies, shocking but true!, don't allow the inclusion of survey items that we'd all undoubtedly be eager to answer.

So, in honor of Labor Day, here at last is the employee opinion survey for the working masses. The survey we've always wanted to use. I call it, lovingly, The How-Much-Does-It-Suck-To-Work-Here? Survey (copyright 2009, The Tobe-Schnur Group). With sincere apologies to all of those who are committed to the use of well-constructed, psychometrically-sound surveys. (This includes you, NH, PDY, and Dr. J.) Enjoy.

The How-Much-Does-It-Suck-To-Work-Here? Survey

Instructions: For each item below, select one number that best represents your view. Use this scale:

1 = It sucks almost all of the time

2 = It sucks most of the time

3 = It sometimes sucks

4 = It rarely sucks

5 = It almost never sucks

6 = Like I care

7 = Are you kidding?!?

Your responses are completely confidential. Only tabulated results will be provided to management and they probably won't be able to figure out what you're trying to tell them anyway.

Have at it.

I. About Your Company and Your Job

1. In general, how often does this company suck as a place to work?

2. Overall, how often does it suck to tell your friends what you do at work?

3. When you consider everything (e.g., your manager, the work you do, the workplace, your pay, etc.) how would you rate the extent to which your job sucks?

II. Leadership

4. Considering the state of your 401(k), how would you rate executive management's ability to lead your company through this current economic crisis?

5. How would you rate the credibility of information executive management provides you regarding the financial performance of your company? (If you get your best information about your company from the 'grapevine' or from external sources, please skip this item. Management hates to hear that their credibility is in the toilet.)

6. Overall, how would you rate executive management on treating you like a valued member of the team? (This is not a 'trick' question.)

III. Your Immediate Manager

Definition: Your 'immediate manager' is the person to whom you report and who does your annual performance review -- even if you don't see this person too often and even if you haven't had a performance review in years.

7. How would you rate the quality of information you receive from your immediate manager? (If you receive no information -- but that information is accurate -- please circle '1'. Consultants thrive on negativity.)

8. How would you rate the coaching/mentoring you've received from your manager. (If you've received none, please circle '7'. If you don't have a manager, don't tell anyone!)

9. How would you rate your manager on dealing with the poor performance of that guy we all know sucks at his job?

10. How would you rate your manager on taking personal responsibility for the many asinine things he or she has done over the years?

IV. Advancement Opportunities

11. How would you rate your chance to advance in this company? (We know, but had to ask.)

12. How would you rate the fairness of the selection process when opportunities for advancement occur in your company? (Really. Please stop laughing.)

V. Pay

13. Consider the pay you get for the work you do. How often do you think it sucks?

14. Your company undoubtedly tries to tell you that the money they pay you for your job is fair and equitable. How often do you think their rationale sucks?

15. How would you rate the line your company gives you about there being 'pay for performance'?

VI. What Have We Missed?

Please use this area to tell us in your own words about anything we may have missed. Your comments will be provided to management. Please be as honest as you can. Try not to overuse the word 'suck'.

Happy Labor Day!

Another Good Bye and Pardon My French

We've been saying good bye way too often lately. This week we lost yet another champion. Good bye, Ted. We will miss you.

Of the many wonderful stories told about Ted Kennedy over the last few days, one that was only alluded to was his love of language and especially his love of the use of what others might consider 'vulgarities'. So, as public service and as a tribute to Teddy, I offer the following.

Is it just me, or have you noticed that a lot of people all of sudden can speak French? Or so they say. Funny how their idea of French sounds indistinguishable from the words I spit out whenever I try unsuccessfully to use a tool to fix something around the house. While not a linguist by training, I wonder about two things:

1. When did the French language become the euphemism for vulgarity?

2. Why can't people swear? Openly, with gusto?

Let's leave the French out of this for now (I like their toast and fries) and focus instead on the dearth of the good and productive use of profanity. While we're not advocating the overuse of profanity, a well-placed, nicely-punctuated, passionate 'vulgarity' can capture the attention of the people around you and help make a point that much more emphatically. That's why we have these words in the first place. And if there's anything we do advocate here, it's expressing oneself fully. Done well, you won't offend. So, got something to say? Say it with pride, even if it involves the judicious use of profanity. You'll feel better.

And have you noticed that you usually do feel better after using even one profanity? There's a biological reason for it. Really. A study out of Britain's Keele University, reported last month in the journal NeuroReport, claims that swearing is actually good for you. (Having spent much of my 20's at Berkeley, we at Cal -- especially those of us who have followed their football team -- have known this for years. We just didn't know why, nor did we care.)

It appears that the use of profanity helps to vent frustration, which is a good thing, psychologically speaking. Ah, but you knew that. But did you know that swearing also reduces physical pain?

Here's how the Keele University researchers went at it: Subjects were brought individually into a room and were asked to put a hand in a large glass of heavily-iced water. They were told to keep their hand in the water as long as possible. In one condition, subjects were told that they could use any profanity they wanted as they suffered the pain of the freezing water. In another condition, subjects were told they could say anything they wanted, but, please, no swearing.

The results? Those were could swear kept their hand in the ice water longer and reported less pain than those who couldn't use profanity. This was true for men and for women. But, check this out: The outcome was far more pronounced among women. Females who could swear freely kept their hand in the ice water significantly longer and with significantly less reported pain than women who were not allowed to swear. According to the researchers, this is possibly due to their observation that women tend to use profanity less frequently than man. (They obviously haven't met the women who spend a significant amount of time around me.) Indeed, it seems that a more judicious use of profanity has its benefits, making the use of swearing that much more powerful.

So, overlook what your mother taught you and whip out that good, expressive profanity from time to time. We can take it. And more importantly, you'll feel better. Especially when someone cuts you off while driving -- and doesn't wave. Or when someone doesn't hold a door for you. Or doesn't say 'Thank you'. Or says 'No problem' when you thank them. Or when some idiot insists on wearing a blue tooth device while talking to you. Or when your manager claims there is pay for performance or that fool down the hall is considered a 'good performer' when everyone knows the truth. Or when people who watch Fox News think they have the facts and tell you by screaming it at the top of their lungs to prevent an honest debate. Or when the same merde they've been telling you for years...hey! Wait! I can speak French!

Just don't call it French.

Walter, We Need You More Than Ever

Remember back in the day when the #1 priority for news reporting was to provide accurate information? When information provided during a newscast required validation, credible sources, and corroboration? When news reporters lived by a credo of honesty and integrity? When we believed and trusted what we heard and saw during a television newscast? When news reporting wasn't about entertainment or profit but about the truth?

I do. But it seems like ages ago.

Walter, oh Walter, where are you?

The issue about truth in news reporting hit a new high -- or deep low -- earlier this week when an NBC poll revealed that self-identified Fox News viewers have significantly different beliefs about the elements of Obama's health care reform plan than do viewers of CNN or MSNBC. Check out the data about these viewers' beliefs about the plan:

Viewers of

Fox News CNN/MSNBC

-- Coverage to illegal immigrants 72% 41%
-- Use of taxpayer dollars for abortions 69% 40%
-- Government to decide on care to elderly 75% 30%
-- Will lead to a government takeover 79% 39%

Interestingly, the beliefs of ABC, CBS, and NBC news viewers were similar to those of the CNN and MSNBC news viewers, leaving those who watch Fox News in their own and completely different reality.

So, of course, I wonder: What's going on at Fox News? Do they not understand the proposed plan? Are they unable to read English at a 3rd grade level? Are the concepts in the plan -- health care for e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e -- beyond them? Are the blue tooth devices on their ears somehow disrupting synaptic activity? A little too much gravy with their biscuits? Or are they not concerned with those pesky things we call 'facts'?

On the other hand, might it be that people who watch Fox News on purpose are daft? Certainly a possibility, though someone will undoubtedly need to explain to them what 'daft' means.

Before we go any further, let's get a couple of things straight:

• The health care plan is written in English -- or as close to English as law makers can get -- and states clearly that illegal immigrants will not be covered, that taxpayer dollars will not be used for abortions, and that the government will not decide on care to the elderly. (And, no, Sarah, there won't be 'Death Panels'.)

• This is not meant to be political (as much as I'd like to go there), but, instead, about a concern for truth in news reporting and how our country is being further fragmented by the self-interests and individual agendas of a few who, in the process, appear to be providing misinformation for personal gain. Or, possibly, because facts just don't seem that important to them.

By the way, 'misinformation' is a nice word for 'lying'. (Okay, I guess this is a bit political.)

Call me old-fashioned (it won't be the first time), but it seems to me that the news agencies -- and let's count Fox News as a member of this club -- have a responsibility to tell us the truth. We can handle it. (If I didn't say it you would have, right?) That's their job. Once we have the facts, then it's up to each of us to decide how we feel about these facts and, in the process, develop a point of view about the issue. Everyone having the same facts is essential if we're to have a proper debate and come to some resolution.

Instead, at least one of these news agencies has opted for a different route: Appeal to the fear and alienation caused by the emotionally-charged topic of health care reform to increase viewership (and, undoubtedly, advertising dollars) by providing inaccurate, uncorroborated information as fact. Maybe that agency is also interested in killing the plan. Who knows?

And, by all accounts, they are doing a marvelous job of increasing their number of eyeballs: Fox’s viewership is up 11 percent over last year, according to Nielsen Media Research. CNN and MSNBC, which benefited from interest in the presidential campaign last year, are down.

I'm all for business growth, but at what cost? Doesn't Fox News -- and all organizations calling themselves 'news sources' -- have the responsibility to inform us accurately? Provide reliable and truthful data? And do so in a somewhat dispassionate way? You know, like journalists? Like Walter did?

Speaking of Walter, remember how he'd read us the news and then Eric Sevareid would try to explain it? Often with the word 'Commentary' clearly shown at the bottom of the screen so we'd know this was commentary and not news. Even if you're too old or too young to remember, this used to be how the news was reported. Truthfully, with the intent to educate. With care. And, critically, with an obsession for integrity.

Where have those days gone? And how can we, as a country, attempt to deal with our most significant challenges if we don't have a common understanding of the basic facts? Providing false information is an injustice that undermines our ability to debate, fragments the populace, and, in turn, prevents us from resolving issues together. Moreover, the dissemination of misinformation (you know what that means) by a news agency, whether intentional or not, is shameful. Thanks, Fox News, for keeping us from doing what we Americans do best: Engage in a good, heated, healthy debate.

We miss you a ton, Walter. You, too, Eric. Now more than ever.

What Is Hip?

Want to be, depending on your age, hip, cool or rad? Consider the following facts about hipness. Take them seriously. We do and we're judging.

1. It is definitely NOT hip to wear one's bluetooth device on your ear all of the time. You look stupid, in a silly cyborg kind of way. In the history of humanity, there is only one person who looked cool wearing an ear piece.

You are not him.

Instead, think of Groucho Marx's great line on live TV about his cigar and take your bluetooth gizmo off your head every once in a while. Either that or have it welded to your head.

By the way, might that be the next fad in body enhancing surgery? Blue tooth implantation? Which will lead many of us to wonder whether that blue tooth device on your head is real or surgically-enhanced.

"You think that's real?"

"How could it be? At his age?"

"You're right. It's too perfect. Think he's had other work done?"

"Don't know. But maybe he should."

You wouldn't want us talking about you that way, now would you?

You also wouldn't want to end up looking like this poor guy. (Actually, that's what everyone who wears a bluetooth device looks like to me. And I don't think I'm alone on this one.)

2. It is definitely hip to hold the door for anyone, regardless of your gender or the gender of the person for whom you're holding the door. As a matter of fact, it's also hip to look behind you before letting go of the door. Anyone who forces you to catch a door as it's coming at you is definitely NOT hip.

3. A corollary to #2: It is definitely hip to thank someone for holding the door. Even if that person is dressed as a doorman. As a matter of fact, it's hip to say 'Thank you' any chance you get. And, by the way, 'No problem' is not the same as 'You're welcome.' Do as they do in Costa Rica, where 'Gracias' is followed by 'Mucho gusto.' With much pleasure.

Sorry to sound like Miss Manners, but it appears that many among us have forgotten some basic courtesies. And that's definitely NOT hip.

4. Speaking of NOT hip, it is absolutely not hip to talk on your phone in a public bathroom. I mean, really! Give us all a break, will you please?!? We know who you are.

5. Telling your employees the truth about the state of the company is hip. It's also right.

6. Beyond NOT hip: People who drop their cigarette butts wherever they please. Ashtrays. Every heard of them? Give 'em a try.

7. While driving, give a wave if someone let's you merge, if you're given the right-of-way, or if you cut someone off. Not waving is just wrong, definitely NOT hip, and may keep you out of Heaven, regardless of whether you even believe in Heaven.

8. Managers who are oblivious to the fears of their employees -- especially in times like these -- are NOT hip. They are insensitive.

9. Definitely NOT hip: Spandex on the wrong bodies. Enough said.

10. In any employee handbook, a 'rules' section longer than, say, one page is NOT hip. Aside from 'Do the right thing.', what other rules should the handbook contain? 'Do the right thing.' says it all.

11. Going outside to play is hip. Organizing your own game and playing without uniforms, a manicured field, refs or umps, and without adult supervision is VERY hip. Pass the word.

12. Reading a book -- any book -- is extremely hip. Even if you're also listening to music.

13. Music is hip, regardless of its type. No music or musical group is more hip than any other, except these guys who asked the question about hipness in the first place. And, of course, those who love Tower of Power are, without doubt, totally hip. (It's my blog. I get to make the rules.)

14. While we're on the topic of music, singing while walking down the street is beyond hip. And if your singing gets someone else to begin singing, too? You, my friend, qualify for the best type of hip: Hipster Extraordinaire. Because there simply cannot be too much music. And we need to make it together.